Wednesday, April 19, 2017

You don't need to say it.

You don't need to say it. 

I can see it in their eyes in the morning as they go off to school. 

Their eyes speak as many words as their mouths do. My kids think my life sucks.. 
And you know what? They are right. 

My oldest has said it to me before. She doesn’t want to have kids, it’s too hard, it’s too much responsibility. She’s heard my husband snap at me on the phone for not picking up when “he tried calling before” saying, “I don’t know how you do it, mom.”

Like every day, they see me cook, clean after everyone. When they are sick, who cleans all the throw up? Who unclogs the sink, dumps the laundry water, and cleans dog throw up from the front room floor?

They see me leave to the grocery store, cook meals, serve my husband, and squeeze in homework for my 12 units when I can every day. They know I barely sleep, because my face looks it.

They see me cancel my days to take them to the doctor or not go to work because it’s somone’s birthday, a minimum day, or I lost my childcare.

Every week, someone needs shoes, clothes, school supplies, someone’s charger or electronics is always not working, .. they need need need and they know mom doesn’t have much money. They know their biological dad doesn’t pay anything to help. They still ask, but they know they wouldn’t want to be me. 

I wanted so much more. I wanted more for me, more for them. The truth is, I want a better life for them. I don’t want them to be me and I just pray, that how it is now, won't always be.