Thursday, January 28, 2016

Surrounded by people but still alone..

I've joyfully found a part time job!! I've tried finding help the past two weeks for someone, anyone to help me once and awhile on Wednesdays. I need a place for Sophia & Alyssa to hang out for just 90 minutes. I couldn't find any child care (less than $40 anyway) so I've been asking around, hoping someone would step up for me the way I always try for everyone else. One mom I did ask, who I would call a friend, declined because Wednsdays were too busy, even to help once and awhile. Yesterday (Wednsday) the girls and I stopped into Ralphs after school and saw this particular mom. She had another one of our daughter's mutual friends with her. Was it just my girls she didn't want? I'm sure she cringed when she saw me. It hurt.

I've been here just a few months short of 3 years. I still don't have an established group of friends or even one close friend. There's no one I can call to meet for coffee or even call and talk to. Joe & Charlene just moved to Oceanside and I feel like that's effecting me more than I wish it were.

I realized when I left my whole life to start a new one, that my friendships would be left behind and I miss those very much. I'm so glad to be able to see them on Facebook and send the occasional text back and forth. I'm with my children every single day, my husband comes home to me every night, he's only home with us, never out, which I'm grateful for.  But I am still so lonely, some days I can barely stand it.

Sunday, January 10, 2016

Serve until you can't serve no more.

I’ve been learning a lot about a Christian’s definition of love and utilizing it much in my marriage lately. I read that real love is not meant for happiness, it’s not a feeling. It's an action. Real love is service. But the more I process things, I find that this definition stands more true in parenting than even in marriage. Being a parent can be beautiful but let’s face it, it’s all about service. Service when your exhausted and under thanked. Service when you haven’t slept or have a to-do list that will never all be accomplished. It is service 365 days a year.

A few days ago, I had this week planned out. Sophia & Alyssa were going to spend the last week of their break at their father’s house. I was going to get to skip making 3 meals a day and save money on groceries. I planned dentist appointments, doctor’s appointments, and even an appointment at my school while they were going to be gone. Last minute, their dad decided not to take them. I’m not going to lie. I was looking forward to the rest, to no fighting or arguing. But as always, I’m happy they are home where they belong. But because they are here, I needed to go grocery shopping today before we started the week. As always, Ardel is at work, so that means dragging all 4 to the grocery store (and if you are a mom, you know how one feels about 4 kids in a grocery store). When the time was nearing to go, instead of , “Ok mom”, all I heard was whining, pushback, reasons why they should be able to stay. I lost it. 

Do they think I REALLY want to go to the grocery store? Did they think I was asking them to spend their money on groceries? Maybe they thought with the groceries we were buying, that THEY needed to cook 3 square meals a day for everyone AND clean the dishes and the kitchen afterwards. No, they didn’t misunderstand. They simply just didn’t want to go to the grocery store and were going to make sure that I knew it.  I blew my lid and told everyone we would not go to the store, nor would I be making dinner tonight (which I don't think I've ever done). They are now free to have all the peanut butter and ham sandwiches their little hands can make. I did already make them breakfast and a nice lunch, oh, and some homemade muffins for an afternoon snack, not that they even noticed. 

As my girls grow older and more selfish, they exhaust me more than my one-year old.  I am tired but I am a full-time parent. I’m not some side parent that has my kids into my home every few weeks and sends them on their way so I can get back to my responsibility-free lifestyle. I wouldn’t want to be that person for one minute. But I do hope that someday when my daughters grow up, they are able to see how much they were loved by me and their stepdad because they are able to see our acts of service.  

I wonder if any other moms feel this way?