Saturday, October 30, 2010

If I knew then what I know now.. would I have?

I'm not sure. Life is so full of struggles now, different ones than I had 8 months ago, but still no easier, and I am really no happier. I closely relate my life to a complilation of bad Kelly Clarkson songs that I now seem to love. I schedule out week by week out of the fact that anything more is probably more than I can handle. I never knew the human body could endure so much strain, pressure, and all around heart-ache without physically splitting apart.

Knowing what I know now, my outcome would probably have been the same but would have chosen a much higher road for my journey. I now am able to see that the road I chose, was very hurtful & caused irrpearable damage. No matter how much I denied the fact, I was out to create hurt and pain so He could see what it felt like. I took no account for anyone else, and sadly also really hurt that person that I used in the process.

I am now the "single" person who at the holiday party (like last night) friends & aquaintences that you haven't seen in ahwile, engage in akward conversation with you, not really knowing what to say.. other than wow, you got skinny..wondering if you were okay, and if you were happy, asking how it was to go back to work, and asking how the kids were adjusting. It seems like something out of a sad book, not the way I thought life would ever be at 32.

Truth is, I miss the family entity so much. I didn't know that being alone as often as I am, would be so hard. I did meet someone really great that adds alot to my life somedays, other days just makes it more confusing.
I've been reading a book called "Grace Points; Growth & Guidance in Times of Change" given to me by it's Author, Jane Rubietta, at one of my Church retreats from a weekend of work. It's helping me to make sense of the Wilderness that I seem to find myself in right now. It's been a good reminder of God's grace and plan for me, eventhough I can't make out the future right now.