Monday, July 26, 2010

12 days & counting...

Looking back through my blogs I can with almost all certainty see what was going to happen. I could see the road that I was on. I can feel the misery in my words like it were yesterday, feeling trapped in a world created by me, that I had no way of escaping from. I see now, nearly a year wiser that I was desperately trying to be someone that I simply am not. For many years, I think I did my best to "perform" for God; perform for my husband & kids, trying to shape myself into someone I was not. I wore many hats; tried to be the best mom, the best room mom, Mom's Club "whatever", the best Women's Ministry Coordinator; only to realize it didn't matter what I did, I would always fall short on what I beleive should have been the perfect mom & wife. I kept myself so BUSY that I was unable to deal with what was going on behind the scenes. Then one day I woke up exausted and broken. In the process of the past 6 months, I have made some bad choices; some very hurtful choices. Do I place all of the blame for the break up of my family on myself? Not at all. Do I blame myself for allowing it to go on for so long? Yes. Should I have gone about things differently and been stronger, Oh yes. But here I am, in the blink of an eye, this leisurely stay at home mom has gone back to work nearly full time. My girls and I will move into our own apartment in just 12 days. My daughters will start public school in 20 days. There is so much unknown that I get chills thinking about it. I pray that despite some bad choices that God's still got my back and we will be fine. As I face my biggest fear of ruining my kids, I'm praying for their resilliance. I'm praying that I'll find the greatest gifts in the most unlikely places & the most unlikely of people. I hope to be back to my blog more often to keep my friends updated on our new journey.

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