Monday, January 18, 2010

The life of THIS stay at home mom

On the outside, I have this wonderful charming husband, three beautiful children, a big beautiful home and best of all, I get to stay at home with them. To the naked eye, I shouldn't have a complaint in the world. Sounds like a little piece of heaven to most.
But my reality is that I don't have a husband who is home a lot. He doesn't have time to fix broken toilets, cabinet doors, maintain cars, or paint a bedroom. Most things that need to be done in the home are my responsibility. We have a home that is probably too big for us. My reality is that I wake up with such a large t0-d0 list that at the end of the day, it never fully gets accomplished. Each day is focused around naptimes, school pick ups, cooking meals, homework, bathtimes, and grocery shopping. My reality is that I am so busy cleaning, and putting away laundry in my little free time, that I don't really sit on the floor and play with my kids, spend that quality time that I should be. At the end of the day, I am so exhausted that there is just usually nothing "left" for my husband if I do see him an hour or two before my bedtime at 11pm or later. I go to bed and usually will even dream about the piles of laundry that need to be washed. Each morning I wake up at 6am and do it again.
The thing about it is, I KNOW that my life is a gift, but for someone like me, it's been a daily challenge. Ten years ago, I wasn't real sure if kids were even in my plan. I didn't even like kids and was far too selfish to have any. Being a stay at home mom Never was in my life plan. But here I am, with a life given to me better than I could've ever asked for, but it comes at a price of who I am completely. See, I "get" why I'm not allowed to complain. But it doesn't make me feel less exhausted, less overwhelmed, a little complacent, and "un-derly thanked" each long day.
Maybe I'm having a hard time with it because now that I'm no longer serving a ministry, I no longer have my "own" thing that made me me and not just someone's mom & wife. Maybe it's because my husband is finding a lot of success with work projects and I'm a little envious of that? Or maybe it's because he hasn't slowed down to ask how I'm doing or if I need help at home in some time?
I do know that The Lord has al ot of work still in me. Lessons in patience, in being prudent, in not caring for self. My heart is oh so grateful for all that I've been given, now if I could just get my mind aligned. "Be on guard. Stand firm in faith. Be courageous. Be strong. And do everything with love." 1 Corinthians 16:13

1 comment:

Annie Shafai said...

Not so sure about the "charming, witty husband" part. tee hee