Friday, January 29, 2010

Fear

Fear is a paralyzing horrible thing. Yesterday at Bible Study, I got to hear a friend go up on stage and tell her story. She was so brave. What I took from it, was that fear is like telling God, "I don't trust you." That concept is unimaginable to me, but I too, am fearful and ultimately not trusting God. I went home and prayed and prayed. I'll tell you that my biggest fear is having to pull my kids from Crossroads Christian School and having to put them into public school.
This fear is real to me but also so irrational that I fear that more than loosing our home or anything else. This fear is about me. It's not about the public schools (after all, we live in Corona) we have some of the best public schools around. My fear is about protecting my girls and setting them on a course which wasn't set for me. I'm not naive. Realistically I know that sending our girls to private school doesn't guarantee a life without bumps or a perfect future. I don't believe the private school education to be superior to public. I do believe in what they are learning aside from the academics. I believe that learning to love and trust in our Lord at an early age will set them on path for life where they will be able to make good choices. They will know a love for Our Lord growing up, that I just didn't have. I know that I've heard this sooo many times, "But YOU can teach them all of that at home." Again, it's about me. I feel inept and inadequate to do so properly- end of story. I believe that instilling them with a love of Jesus and setting their life around that is the greatest gift that I could ever give to them.
I would also be lying if I said that the uniforms that are worn at CCS are not an added bonus to me. I remember what it was like to be in school - the uniforms are a great equalizer. If I can take one less thing that will cause them stress and peer pressure, I will do it. My whole life I struggled greatly with materialism. Kids are already strutting their seven jeans in elementary schools. If I can minimize what they are concerned with on the outside to help them be concerned with what is on the inside I will do it.
So that is my biggest fear. Being a mom to 3 daughters is a scary thing for me, especially remembering how hard it all was for me growing up. I'd like to give it to God. I know that I need to trust him more than that. I know that I need to remember that he loves my girls more than I ever could and wants an amazing life for them.

Monday, January 18, 2010

The life of THIS stay at home mom

On the outside, I have this wonderful charming husband, three beautiful children, a big beautiful home and best of all, I get to stay at home with them. To the naked eye, I shouldn't have a complaint in the world. Sounds like a little piece of heaven to most.
But my reality is that I don't have a husband who is home a lot. He doesn't have time to fix broken toilets, cabinet doors, maintain cars, or paint a bedroom. Most things that need to be done in the home are my responsibility. We have a home that is probably too big for us. My reality is that I wake up with such a large t0-d0 list that at the end of the day, it never fully gets accomplished. Each day is focused around naptimes, school pick ups, cooking meals, homework, bathtimes, and grocery shopping. My reality is that I am so busy cleaning, and putting away laundry in my little free time, that I don't really sit on the floor and play with my kids, spend that quality time that I should be. At the end of the day, I am so exhausted that there is just usually nothing "left" for my husband if I do see him an hour or two before my bedtime at 11pm or later. I go to bed and usually will even dream about the piles of laundry that need to be washed. Each morning I wake up at 6am and do it again.
The thing about it is, I KNOW that my life is a gift, but for someone like me, it's been a daily challenge. Ten years ago, I wasn't real sure if kids were even in my plan. I didn't even like kids and was far too selfish to have any. Being a stay at home mom Never was in my life plan. But here I am, with a life given to me better than I could've ever asked for, but it comes at a price of who I am completely. See, I "get" why I'm not allowed to complain. But it doesn't make me feel less exhausted, less overwhelmed, a little complacent, and "un-derly thanked" each long day.
Maybe I'm having a hard time with it because now that I'm no longer serving a ministry, I no longer have my "own" thing that made me me and not just someone's mom & wife. Maybe it's because my husband is finding a lot of success with work projects and I'm a little envious of that? Or maybe it's because he hasn't slowed down to ask how I'm doing or if I need help at home in some time?
I do know that The Lord has al ot of work still in me. Lessons in patience, in being prudent, in not caring for self. My heart is oh so grateful for all that I've been given, now if I could just get my mind aligned. "Be on guard. Stand firm in faith. Be courageous. Be strong. And do everything with love." 1 Corinthians 16:13