Friday, December 31, 2010

So ready for a New Year!


A year ago today, I had been married 7 years and One day. I was a stay at home mom, living comfortably in our beautiful 4,000 sq. ft. home on the hill with a view of the city. I was driving my kids to a private school that we loved, in my big Suburban, having coffee & playdates with girlfriends several times a week, and surely taking for granted all the precious days that I got to spend with my children at home. I cried almost every time I was alone and was almost 30 pounds heavier...
... 365 days later...My marriage is over. My home is gone. A new school for the kids. A new more economical car. My life as a stay at home mom- over permantntly. My last Grandma has passed away on Christmas. My only Aunt so so sick with dementia that she has no idea as to who I am. I have a life that I NEVER would have beleived you if you told me about it a year ago, and yet, somehow, I feel oddly blessed.

I learned more about life, human nature, and thankfulness this past year than I've experienced in all my other years combined. I learned how much the human spirit is able to tolerate before it hits a breaking point. I've relied on my mom and my friends in ways I never thought I'd need to. I've seen just how kind AND cruel someone can be.

In 2011, I really hope I make the most of my Quality time spent with my girls and not focus on the Quanity that I no longer have. I want to pour more into my friendships that have stood beside me so steadfast this past year. I'm going to be thankful for a great man who came into my life (eventhough most of my friends just don't get it- but that's ok). I'm going to work on my relationship with the Lord and work on rebuilding the trust issues I have in Him then I'm going to sit back and wait on his promises for my girls and I while I figure out just where my place in this world exactly is. Hope everyone has big plans for 2011!

Saturday, October 30, 2010

If I knew then what I know now.. would I have?


I'm not sure. Life is so full of struggles now, different ones than I had 8 months ago, but still no easier, and I am really no happier. I closely relate my life to a complilation of bad Kelly Clarkson songs that I now seem to love. I schedule out week by week out of the fact that anything more is probably more than I can handle. I never knew the human body could endure so much strain, pressure, and all around heart-ache without physically splitting apart.

Knowing what I know now, my outcome would probably have been the same but would have chosen a much higher road for my journey. I now am able to see that the road I chose, was very hurtful & caused irrpearable damage. No matter how much I denied the fact, I was out to create hurt and pain so He could see what it felt like. I took no account for anyone else, and sadly also really hurt that person that I used in the process.

I am now the "single" person who at the holiday party (like last night) friends & aquaintences that you haven't seen in ahwile, engage in akward conversation with you, not really knowing what to say.. other than wow, you got skinny..wondering if you were okay, and if you were happy, asking how it was to go back to work, and asking how the kids were adjusting. It seems like something out of a sad book, not the way I thought life would ever be at 32.

Truth is, I miss the family entity so much. I didn't know that being alone as often as I am, would be so hard. I did meet someone really great that adds alot to my life somedays, other days just makes it more confusing.
I've been reading a book called "Grace Points; Growth & Guidance in Times of Change" given to me by it's Author, Jane Rubietta, at one of my Church retreats from a weekend of work. It's helping me to make sense of the Wilderness that I seem to find myself in right now. It's been a good reminder of God's grace and plan for me, eventhough I can't make out the future right now.



Sunday, August 15, 2010

Since our move..


So it’s been a little over a week, on my own..& I’m not even sure that all that all the changes have really sunk in yet. As of now, I’m feeling at peace. I’ve let new people in my life who have brought me change in prospective & made me realize that I’m stronger than I’ve ever thought to be. I’ve been able to see old friendships strengthen. I’ve also been able to prune back those who really don’t belong there anymore. Throughout this journey I’ve been able to see that people, not just me, as whole are not pretty. Maybe it’s human nature that we love people in our life when all the pretty sparkly stuff exists on the outside but when we are open & honest about the ugly, people are quick to not love so much. With that, I’m sure in the next month or so, I’ll see more pruning of those people occur- bring on the backlash of what people’s perceptions probably will be.

The girls are starting their 2nd week of school. They don’t love it. They wish they were at CCS still, but I pray that they will learn to love this school or I pray that we hit the lottery & can send them back. They are also adjusting to being with me on the weekday and daddy on the weekends. I miss them every second that they are away from me. They seem to like the apartment but don’t like that Mom works all the time. I’d like to say that I have a “year plan” which sounds silly because I’ve always had a 5 year plan. But realistically I can just take it week-by-week at this point and continue to pray for wisdom in making my decisions.

Monday, July 26, 2010

12 days & counting...

Looking back through my blogs I can with almost all certainty see what was going to happen. I could see the road that I was on. I can feel the misery in my words like it were yesterday, feeling trapped in a world created by me, that I had no way of escaping from. I see now, nearly a year wiser that I was desperately trying to be someone that I simply am not. For many years, I think I did my best to "perform" for God; perform for my husband & kids, trying to shape myself into someone I was not. I wore many hats; tried to be the best mom, the best room mom, Mom's Club "whatever", the best Women's Ministry Coordinator; only to realize it didn't matter what I did, I would always fall short on what I beleive should have been the perfect mom & wife. I kept myself so BUSY that I was unable to deal with what was going on behind the scenes. Then one day I woke up exausted and broken. In the process of the past 6 months, I have made some bad choices; some very hurtful choices. Do I place all of the blame for the break up of my family on myself? Not at all. Do I blame myself for allowing it to go on for so long? Yes. Should I have gone about things differently and been stronger, Oh yes. But here I am, in the blink of an eye, this leisurely stay at home mom has gone back to work nearly full time. My girls and I will move into our own apartment in just 12 days. My daughters will start public school in 20 days. There is so much unknown that I get chills thinking about it. I pray that despite some bad choices that God's still got my back and we will be fine. As I face my biggest fear of ruining my kids, I'm praying for their resilliance. I'm praying that I'll find the greatest gifts in the most unlikely places & the most unlikely of people. I hope to be back to my blog more often to keep my friends updated on our new journey.

Friday, January 29, 2010

Fear

Fear is a paralyzing horrible thing. Yesterday at Bible Study, I got to hear a friend go up on stage and tell her story. She was so brave. What I took from it, was that fear is like telling God, "I don't trust you." That concept is unimaginable to me, but I too, am fearful and ultimately not trusting God. I went home and prayed and prayed. I'll tell you that my biggest fear is having to pull my kids from Crossroads Christian School and having to put them into public school.
This fear is real to me but also so irrational that I fear that more than loosing our home or anything else. This fear is about me. It's not about the public schools (after all, we live in Corona) we have some of the best public schools around. My fear is about protecting my girls and setting them on a course which wasn't set for me. I'm not naive. Realistically I know that sending our girls to private school doesn't guarantee a life without bumps or a perfect future. I don't believe the private school education to be superior to public. I do believe in what they are learning aside from the academics. I believe that learning to love and trust in our Lord at an early age will set them on path for life where they will be able to make good choices. They will know a love for Our Lord growing up, that I just didn't have. I know that I've heard this sooo many times, "But YOU can teach them all of that at home." Again, it's about me. I feel inept and inadequate to do so properly- end of story. I believe that instilling them with a love of Jesus and setting their life around that is the greatest gift that I could ever give to them.
I would also be lying if I said that the uniforms that are worn at CCS are not an added bonus to me. I remember what it was like to be in school - the uniforms are a great equalizer. If I can take one less thing that will cause them stress and peer pressure, I will do it. My whole life I struggled greatly with materialism. Kids are already strutting their seven jeans in elementary schools. If I can minimize what they are concerned with on the outside to help them be concerned with what is on the inside I will do it.
So that is my biggest fear. Being a mom to 3 daughters is a scary thing for me, especially remembering how hard it all was for me growing up. I'd like to give it to God. I know that I need to trust him more than that. I know that I need to remember that he loves my girls more than I ever could and wants an amazing life for them.

Monday, January 18, 2010

The life of THIS stay at home mom

On the outside, I have this wonderful charming husband, three beautiful children, a big beautiful home and best of all, I get to stay at home with them. To the naked eye, I shouldn't have a complaint in the world. Sounds like a little piece of heaven to most.
But my reality is that I don't have a husband who is home a lot. He doesn't have time to fix broken toilets, cabinet doors, maintain cars, or paint a bedroom. Most things that need to be done in the home are my responsibility. We have a home that is probably too big for us. My reality is that I wake up with such a large t0-d0 list that at the end of the day, it never fully gets accomplished. Each day is focused around naptimes, school pick ups, cooking meals, homework, bathtimes, and grocery shopping. My reality is that I am so busy cleaning, and putting away laundry in my little free time, that I don't really sit on the floor and play with my kids, spend that quality time that I should be. At the end of the day, I am so exhausted that there is just usually nothing "left" for my husband if I do see him an hour or two before my bedtime at 11pm or later. I go to bed and usually will even dream about the piles of laundry that need to be washed. Each morning I wake up at 6am and do it again.
The thing about it is, I KNOW that my life is a gift, but for someone like me, it's been a daily challenge. Ten years ago, I wasn't real sure if kids were even in my plan. I didn't even like kids and was far too selfish to have any. Being a stay at home mom Never was in my life plan. But here I am, with a life given to me better than I could've ever asked for, but it comes at a price of who I am completely. See, I "get" why I'm not allowed to complain. But it doesn't make me feel less exhausted, less overwhelmed, a little complacent, and "un-derly thanked" each long day.
Maybe I'm having a hard time with it because now that I'm no longer serving a ministry, I no longer have my "own" thing that made me me and not just someone's mom & wife. Maybe it's because my husband is finding a lot of success with work projects and I'm a little envious of that? Or maybe it's because he hasn't slowed down to ask how I'm doing or if I need help at home in some time?
I do know that The Lord has al ot of work still in me. Lessons in patience, in being prudent, in not caring for self. My heart is oh so grateful for all that I've been given, now if I could just get my mind aligned. "Be on guard. Stand firm in faith. Be courageous. Be strong. And do everything with love." 1 Corinthians 16:13