Tuesday, October 27, 2009

Upside down, but getting right side up!

For a little while I've been feeling upside down. Stretched too thin. Caring too much? Caring too little? Striving to be everything in every capacity. Looked to to go solve problems, overlooked by others. Chasing after an image of who you are supposed to be for the Lord. Trying to conform to this mold that you feel you should be, only find the hard truth of maybe that's just not who you are supposed to be after all. And maybe things feel hard when we push for what we want instead of what the Lord wants for us. Sometimes in order for the Lord to get us to move, it takes a shaking. When you do realize truth, it's as if a weight is being lifted from you, and you breathe again. The fleshly down size of that exchange of weight is to look in the mirror and not really know who you are anymore. When something is so apart of your identity, and what you thought to be in your future, you wonder how everyday life will function on without that "roll" in your life. You feel like you owe explanations to people, but you don't really have them. You feel as if you've abandoned some people and left them hanging, maybe that fight with God could've been wresteled through some more. You could have hung on much harder. You want to blame others but really, it's just The Lord's hand. You know he sees the big picture eventhough you do not. Feeling like it's an uncomfortable dream and you'll awake & things will go back to normal, but really just the start of new, though you have no idea of what that "new" will be.

For I know the plans I have for you; plans to prosper you and not to harm you. Plans to give you hope and a future. Jeremiah 29:11

Sunday, October 18, 2009

Anywhere but here.

Yesterday evening I got home from a much needed night away for Crossroads' Women's retreat in Dana Point. I was able to get away with friends and pray about the gaps in my life (1 day? Clearly not enough time to cover all the gaps in my life) It all went so fast, that I didn't even call home. I thought by 6pm last night, that I was excited to see my family. But as I walked in the door, even with a smiling 4 year old face running at me, I was not excited to be there. I also couldn't wait to see my baby who was already sleeping, but as I woke this morning, found myself tip-toing around upstairs, so I wouldn't wake her.

All in all, I'm just not ready to be mom yet, I'd like to be anywhere but here. I still need more vacation. I have been TIRED the past few weeks. Notably, with a big TIRED. I've been overwhelmed with Housework, homework, sick kids, kids fighting, a baby that never wants to be put down and most days no to little help. All leaving me so exausted that I no longer have time to take care of myself. No nail appointments, no time alone to even read it seems. I actually day dream about going to the gym just to be alone (Crazy right?). I day dream about having a housekeeper to lighten my load. I've been so busy that I don't even get out to see friends anymore. Maybe once a week? Doesn't sound like a big deal.. but mommies so need that support. I miss my best friends. I've had to decline almost every activitiy that I've been invited to. Two weeks in a row, I haven't even made it to bible study because of something going on with my kids. I'm stressed, I'm short with my kids, I have a stye in my eye, and I'm only sleeping about 6 hours a night because I have so much to do!

I'm asking this morning and will be praying in church for a revival of my spirit! For a big change in my heart! I'm praying for a big dose of the right attitude...knowing that children are a gift of God, as the Bible says in Psalm 127:3.
Wait for the LORD; be strong and take heart and wait for the LORD.”- Psalm 27:14 I will wait on this promise. They are all promises, you just have to listen quietly enough, and be open enough to receive them!