Sunday, September 27, 2009

Is honesty the best policy? Really?

So for a couple years, I've really been working on transparancy. Being true to myself, being true to others and being very honest. For many many years, honesty in my life was not a priority. Little fib here, little white lie there, and most certainly how I really felt was tucked under the carpet. Maybe because I was afraid "my truths" were not good enough, or maybe even worried I might be judged? Relationships have been harmed because of this. I've spent many years repairing damage done, bridges broken, trying to mend even sometimes what seems unrepairable.

Now, I try and live my life with the utmost of transparancy and truth and it still seems like I'm in a hampster wheet trying to repair relationships that I can't seem to hold together. It is all a very fine line. I'm open about my marriage, 90% of the time, it's great.. but when it's bad, it's bad.. I'm open about our finances, they suck, but I've seen the Lord's hand working it. Friendships.. most are great, some require extra work. Being a mom, we have good and bad days, but I sure try my best. I'm open about my Faith.. I look to The Lord for my every answer. But because I, myself, am so imperfect, many of my actions are too, no matter how much guidance I seek. But point being, It's all open & out there for people to see. I notice the people who are like that, like me in that aspect, are the people who I am closest with. They are people who I just "get" the most. It's the people who are hard to find true depth with that I struggle the most to love in the way they need it. I guess no longer do well with "cosmetic" relationships but I'm also so stubborn that I refuse to give up on them, praying for more.

Is honesty always the best policy? I hope so. Do I exclude myself because of it a bit? Probably so. Does honesty always feel good in the end? Nope- not always.

Tuesday, September 8, 2009

What if our kids had 30 days to live?

Today was one of those days. Anything that could have gone askew, did. By 7pm, I was so exausted that I felt my brain shutting down. My kids were talking to me, and I literally didn't hear them. My dad would have called it "Murphy's Law" - whatever that meant. We all have those bad mommy days.

Tonight after I got all my kids down to bed, I sat down to pray and reflect on how my day went, how I could have done better, and what to do so that tomorrow is a better day. The only thing I could think to do was scrub my floors that dirtied my crawling daughter's white pants this afternoon. Great thinking time. Great praying time. My mind went to our current study at Church, Live like you were dying... what would you do if you had 30 days to live? My mind took that and went, "What if my children had 30 days to live?" Yes, very morbid, but think about it. What if you knew your children only had 30 days left here on Earth with you, then they were gone?

How would you wake them in the morning? Even if you were exausted, would you take the time to read that extra book to them? Would you sit down every night and eat dinner with them? Would you sing to them and be silly with them in car rides and during bathtime? How would your bedtime routine change? Would you harp on their messy room or would you grant them grace? If they woke up their baby sister, would you yell at them out of frustration or would you handle it more kindly? Would you detour through the busy store, just so they could get a peek at the goldfish swimming in the tanks?

All these questions pounded into me, spoke volumes to my heart, and gave me the answers I needed. Just because (God willing) they will not leave me in 30 days.... someday, that little child in them will. They will grow up. They will want their friends more than me. Someday they won't want me to read that (long) book to them. Someday the wonder in that goldfish will disappear, & they'll want to go down an isle to look at a boy. They will move out of our home. They will not be little much longer.
How should we be treating our sweet little ones? My answer would be, "Like they have 30 days to live." No matter how much patience it takes.