Thursday, July 9, 2009

Am I obedient or stubborn?

This afternoon I did about one of the saddest things imaginable, I said goodbye to our recently foreclosed home. For months & months, unbenounced to me, I'm sure to save me from worry, the renters in our Eastvale home were not paying us (almost since the day they moved in). We could not afford to keep up two house payments. We knew the house would be taken this week but told we would be given the opportunity to collect the rest of our belongings from the house ( 2 couches, a 60" tv, our patio park bench, & a giant water slide folded up in the backyard). The renters were gone, as was everything inside. The door was unlocked so I walked in. My heart broke as I walked upstairs and saw my girls' bedrooms that I painted, the ceiling fans I picked out, & the shelving I drilled into the girls' closets. The rooms that I brought them home to from the hospital to and rocked them for endless hours were so empty. The first thing I remember when I walked into our bedroom is once when the house was being built, Bill and I, and our newborn Isabella were finally able to walk up to our bedroom, it was all drywall & I don't think any windows or flooring was put in, but we sat there and imagined all that was to come in that house. The giant tree in the front yard was given to me in a little pot as a housewarming gift from Bill years ago when I moved into my first studio apt. in Newport.

The house we are in now, is far more beautiful that our former home, but it doesn't make my detachment to our old home any easier. But it all leads me to ask, am I obedient to what the Lord wants for us or am I just plain stubborn? The whole reason we left our Eastvale home was to be closer to Crossroads Christian School. From the moment we moved to Corona & found our church and school, it was just "that is where our kids are going to go" That was a great plan because we had the money to do so at the time. But over the past 2 years as money has become increasingly tighter, every month we have struggled making our monthly tuition payments. We do without a lot of things to afford to send our kids there. We've now moved our family, lost a home I loved & ruined our credit. Even now, I'd like to entertain the thought of a 4th child someday, but as of now, we could not afford the education for a fourth.
Have I been obediently following the plan that I've always thought the Lord had for our children by attending this school or has it been something I've/We've wanted so badly that we have pursued it at any cost? I'm having a hard time discerning the two. I'm having a hard time not feeling a tremendous amount of guilt right now. Part of me is wishing that I could go back a year, have stayed in our old home & sent Isabella to one of the brand new public schools in Eastvale. I wonder if we would have had a much different financial outcome this year & if now we'd be sitting in a different place.

I'm really going to have to have a heart to heart with the Lord on this one and make sure our family is in alignment with where he wants us. I try hard every day to make sure that my day, our lives, and our path is not lead by our own wants, but I struggle.


Robyn said...

It's so hard to know what the right thing is to do during these kinds of times. You and Katie Grimm seem to be having similar stories right now and the same theme is obedience.
I look at you and see someone who has had a tough couple of years, but has grown so much spiritually. Maybe that's is what it's all about?

Jo Jo said...

Hey Girl,
Sounds like you are really struggling. I thought I'd give you my two cents...I went to Christian school my whole life, it was just a decision that my parents made for me and my 3 brothers and I am ever so grateful for the sacrifices they made. My mom and dad both worked full time, drove crappy cars, used sheets for curtains, and only had hand-me-down furniture all because they were committed to sending their children to Christian school. I remember the first time they bought new furniture was the year I graduated high school. They had been married about 23 years by that time and had never owned brand new furniture. I know now that they don't regret their decision to sacrifice and send us to private school one bit.
Ricky and I are now committed to sending our children to Christian school no matter what. The only other option for us is home school. To some this may sound ridiculous or extreme but for us, this is what we feel God wants for our family. Pray, establish your priorities, and count the cost of not sending them to Christian school.
As an alum of Christian schools, I always felt like my peers, teachers, and faculty were like family. I never felt like I was just a number, my teachers made sure that I succeeded, and my faith was strengthened daily.
I believe that if you decide that this is what God wants for your family, and if you are obedient to Him with your finances, He will provide. This decision is definitely not for everyone, but Ricky and I have decided that it is for us.

Love ya,

Murillo Family said...

I always thought Maya and Logan would go to public school, especially since I was a public school teacher. BUT that was before I met them and realized that was not the plan God had for us after all. Sacrifice is all in perspective. Now I will be teaching (two years earlier than I planned) and both kids will be going to private school. Pray and then listen to what God tells you. There is just something missing from public school, and it is a really important thing.

Lizzy said...

I know how tough it can be. The obstacles and struggles we go through sometimes feel like they have no end. But they do. I grew up in public school...didn't have enough love from family sometimes...and surely didn't have love from teachers. I could have really used it back then. God to me was just an empty ear, that I'd sometimes talk to. At age 8, I thought of suicide and battled depression behind closed doors. But something always told me, things would get much better. I thank God for showing me the love of friends and best of all, the love of Christ. Hector and I too, have decided we will do whatever it takes to raise our kids in a Christian school. God sees the big picture, even though we don't.

Isaiah 55:8-9 says...
"For MY thoughts are not your thoughts, Nor are your ways MY ways...For as the heavens are higher than the earth, So are MY ways higher than your ways And MY thoughts than your thoughts."

Both you and Bill are doing what's right in searching for what God wants in your lives. He'll open the doors HE wants you to walk through, and close the doors HE doesn't want you to walk through.

Love you girl!