Sunday, July 19, 2009

Hearing about The Rock.

Sometimes, just when things in your life look bad, something happens to someone you love that adds a new light to your life. Yesterday one of my friend's husband's up & left. They have two little boys together. So we did what we always do in times of crisis, we banded together to pray, to hug, and show support. At church this morning, we all sat in a row side-by-side, I looked to my left & saw my sometimes-very-under-appreciated husband, to my right, my friend Loretta who's husband passed in February, and looking further down the row, I counted my blessings for each of these women, all being so special in my life.

Then within the first 20 minutes of the sermon, quite literally a rock was moved from my heart. The questions that haven't been allowing me to sleep for days have been, " why me Lord, when all I do is serve you? "Why am I not in your favor?" "Where are my extra blessings?" "Why do I do all of this?" These question s were all simply answered as, "You get to serve the Lord" that's what I get in return. I was making it all about me. Sure, I'll take the good stuff but when the bad stuff comes, boy do I take it personally. I need to remember that in good or bad, I have been called to him. In that calling, my life has been changed forever, my family has been changed forever. I need to concentrate more on the rock and invest more of my security in him. . Today I was taken out of my normal paradigm and brought to look at things a bit differently. Did hearing what I heard today answer all of my problems? No way. But do I feel so much better? Oh yes. I can't wait for today to be posted on Crosssroads' website, I'm looking forward to hearing it again, and catch probably a few things that I missed. Wheww....

Thursday, July 16, 2009

Ever feel so broken & so unsure of the future?

Getting the news that we lost our two year battle with Versante was about as devestating of a blow that I could imagine. We fought the long hard battle for what will be nearly 3 years this winter. I know it was a home we didn't belong in. I know that the Lord shutting the door on us moving into the home in hindesight, was the best thing for our family. However in my heart, I guess I always beleived the good would prevail. I thought we would get our $70,000 deposit back or at least the $50,000 that is still sitting in Escrow. I thought that all of the money we paid in Attorney's fees would be worth it in the end. But in the end, it looks as if being the good guy wasn't enough, his story was stronger than ours. He found a way to "prove" that we didn't want the home & "we" backed out of the contract. We're not only kissing our money & future hopes goodbye but also now figuring out a way to pay for his Attorney's fees.

If ever my faith is shaken it is now. When do we deserve a break? We've taken LOTS of lumps and learned LOTS of lessons the past 2 1/2 years but I have to wonder when will it stop and to what expense? What good is the Lord going to bring of this? Where has God been in lately in hearing our cries? What good is coming of any of this? I've always beleived that the Lord is caring for us and guiding us, but lately all I feel is silence. I want to understand how we are going to learn from the rich builder getting to keep our money, when we so badly needed it. Right now, I'm a little tired of being positive. I don't feel the Lord nor do I hear him right now. I'm waiting on Bill to call me back but I'm thinking he's short on words and even shorter on hope himself right now.
Ted Mayes, of Versante Villas, congratualtions.. I hope your victory feels sweet.

Thursday, July 9, 2009

Am I obedient or stubborn?

This afternoon I did about one of the saddest things imaginable, I said goodbye to our recently foreclosed home. For months & months, unbenounced to me, I'm sure to save me from worry, the renters in our Eastvale home were not paying us (almost since the day they moved in). We could not afford to keep up two house payments. We knew the house would be taken this week but told we would be given the opportunity to collect the rest of our belongings from the house ( 2 couches, a 60" tv, our patio park bench, & a giant water slide folded up in the backyard). The renters were gone, as was everything inside. The door was unlocked so I walked in. My heart broke as I walked upstairs and saw my girls' bedrooms that I painted, the ceiling fans I picked out, & the shelving I drilled into the girls' closets. The rooms that I brought them home to from the hospital to and rocked them for endless hours were so empty. The first thing I remember when I walked into our bedroom is once when the house was being built, Bill and I, and our newborn Isabella were finally able to walk up to our bedroom, it was all drywall & I don't think any windows or flooring was put in, but we sat there and imagined all that was to come in that house. The giant tree in the front yard was given to me in a little pot as a housewarming gift from Bill years ago when I moved into my first studio apt. in Newport.

The house we are in now, is far more beautiful that our former home, but it doesn't make my detachment to our old home any easier. But it all leads me to ask, am I obedient to what the Lord wants for us or am I just plain stubborn? The whole reason we left our Eastvale home was to be closer to Crossroads Christian School. From the moment we moved to Corona & found our church and school, it was just "that is where our kids are going to go" That was a great plan because we had the money to do so at the time. But over the past 2 years as money has become increasingly tighter, every month we have struggled making our monthly tuition payments. We do without a lot of things to afford to send our kids there. We've now moved our family, lost a home I loved & ruined our credit. Even now, I'd like to entertain the thought of a 4th child someday, but as of now, we could not afford the education for a fourth.
Have I been obediently following the plan that I've always thought the Lord had for our children by attending this school or has it been something I've/We've wanted so badly that we have pursued it at any cost? I'm having a hard time discerning the two. I'm having a hard time not feeling a tremendous amount of guilt right now. Part of me is wishing that I could go back a year, have stayed in our old home & sent Isabella to one of the brand new public schools in Eastvale. I wonder if we would have had a much different financial outcome this year & if now we'd be sitting in a different place.

I'm really going to have to have a heart to heart with the Lord on this one and make sure our family is in alignment with where he wants us. I try hard every day to make sure that my day, our lives, and our path is not lead by our own wants, but I struggle.

Tuesday, July 7, 2009

Knowing who you are.

Do you ever feel like you are under personal attack? So much so that it does make you take a step back & check your motives, when all along you've thought them to be pure? In 2009, I've lost oppertunities & "friends" so I've thought.. but I like to beleive the Lord has a way of weeding people out of your life (even if it's not pretty) who don't belong there. It's a great reminder to watch who you give the earned title of "friend" to. I also beleive that he also steers you away from what seems like a great thing in order to make room for bigger things in your life (even if you go kicking & screaming).

You have to remember that the devil is the king of deception. He is real and he knows our weaknesses. He can use people, christians, non-christians to find your weaknesses. Satin is able to take things said & motives you've had had & twist them to his favor so that your words and actions take on a different meaning, depending on the audience. It seems as if people just wait for that "Christian" to step out of line, say something wrong, act inappropriately, or act imperfectly (which of course you will). So much that they'll place their own thoughts to a situation in place of yours just to find you in the wrong . Sometimes I think people want you to fall. But don't beleive it. Pick yourself back up and continue on your best. You won't always be perfect. Lean into the Lord. Trust in him. Ask him to pick you up & give you strength. Ask him to keep your motives clear and pure.

Sunday, July 5, 2009

Happy Birthday Baby!

I remember 4th of July 6 years ago. I was plugged into a million machines at Hoag Hospital waiting for Isabella to arrive. Outside my room, we could hear the fireworks go off and the festivities below going on around us. My stomach was churning not only at the anticipation & anxiety of our first child but also because I literally could feel my youth being pushed out of me. I could hear the crowds at the beach below & wondered if I'd ever have fun like that again now that I was about to be a mom & I wondered just how life was going to change.

Flash forward six years, as every year since Isabella's arrival, every time I hear fireworks, all I can think about is the day my little baby was born (sidenote: she was not born on 7/4 but I was in labor for 24 hours!). The sound reminds me of how I walked into a hospital room one day and walked out a completely different person the next. Every priority I ever had was reorganized. When Isabella was born, I completely learned about selfless love. I learned what really was to be tired & sleepless. I learned what it was like to worry so much that you nearly feel paralyzed. I learned that one simple word or action can bring you to tears. I learned about what love and life is really about. I thought I had some of those things figured out prior to having her but in hindsight, I really had no clue.

So this Holiday weekend is really my Mother's day, one of the days I celebrate most. The day that changed my life forever. Today we spent an amazing day with our girl on her 6th birthday. We just took time out to celebrate her and feel so greatful for her. We are just in awe of how quickly the days truly go.