Tuesday, February 24, 2009

A public apology to Kristi

After looking at comments in my blog, I saw that an old friend had found me! Actually, she never lost me. I'm the one that lost her. She was the first friend that I made when I moved here to Corona. We met at our first Mom's Club event, the Love bug bash and we had daughters the same age. We worked together with the Teen MOPS ministry and actually when I had free time, I wanted to spend it with her and Maya.

Then one day, she tells me she's moving. I was devestated. Still.. I did not have alot of friends and at the time she was the only person I could call and say "Can I come over?" I put together an amazing going away party and then she was gone. I was so sad for quite some time. It took me a bit to make more close friendships (Anita & Kim) but still I missed her so very much. I was sad just thinking of her so I think I just tried to stop.

(I think I become much more attached to friends maybe than a lot of people, because I don't have much family. My close friends become my family. I used to cry & cry every time my best friend Ryann would leave to go back to College after visiting for the holidays (I think she still probably laughs at that). Anyhow, I treasure my friendships above most things in the world. )

Kristi and I haven't spoken in some time now and truth be told it is my fault. She always tries to stay in touch, call, email, send a package.. and I unfortunately have not been a good friend in return, always thinking, I'm going to contact her when I REALLY have time to sit down and do so.. you know, no interuptions.. Well, days have turned into weeks, into months, into years now probably. And it hurts my heart to know that I haven't been in touch with her. So, this is my public appology. If she reads this, I hope she accepts it. I hope she knows that I've never forgotten her & her kids. I pray for her & her family quite often.. hoping that whichever state she is living in now, that she's happy & healthy. I hope she knows how much she's always meant to me.

Monday, February 23, 2009

No whispering today!!

So lately, I've spent a lot of time waiting on unanswered prayers and being in the hopes that I would be silent enough to hear God's whispers. But today I got a few loud-and-clear messages and it's only 1pm.

I went to M2M this morning & Pastor Chuck was speaking on leaving a legacy for your kids. One of the really cool things revealed to me is that he touched on bringing your children into missions; showing them just how blessed they are & how it infulences them. That confirmed what I was already feeling. Last week we requested & received applications from Jill to attend the Mexico missions trip in Sept. So I guess that's that. Also, I had a conversation with my friend Carrie which also confirmed for me something else that I've had on my heart as far as serving the next year in M2M.W00-Hoo!

But the most loud & clear was during discussion when my new friend, Taleah mentioned about teaching her kids to respect her husband. After about 2 minutes of hearing this back and forth my stomach turned into a knot. Yesterday, Bill & I exchanged some words where at the time, I didn't think it was "that bad" that my kids heard, but now in hindsight, I'm writhing at the whole thought of it. I was pretty mad. I was pretty disrespectful. I'm pretty sure I called him a name like idiot. And my kids heard it. How are they going to grow up to respect him if I'm not showing him any respect myself? This pains me, especially as I think about how nice he was to meet me at church this morning to drop off some cash to me & check our kids into childcare for me, all on his way to volunteer at Bella's class none-the-less. I sat there thinking about how he changed his schedule around all last week so that I could go out with my visiting friend Kim, 3 nights in a row. I thought about our discussion to get back into leadership next year & the time commitments it would require of him and he was 110% supportive. I thought about the two loads of dishes he did for me yesterday. I thought about how when he's home on the weekend, he puts the girls to bed every night and how he keeps all 3 of them happy & busy while I go off & get all the shopping & errands done. All WITHOUT complaint or question.

We've had our ups and downs but I see how very hard he's been trying to be a Godly husband. It all was screaming at me this morning and I still feel sick from the revelation. It's so hard to face forward when there is a big finger pointed at you. I'm really working on letting go of things in the past and just seeing him for who he is. I only hope he forgives me and from this point, I can be mindful and the best example of teaching my girls respect.

Wednesday, February 18, 2009

Quit following me!

So, I have to admit, that there is an old me that I'm not too fond of but somehow in circles of new or old friends, it tends to rear it's ugly head around. So, I'll confess and lay it all out on the table. I've never been someone who was ever described as "oh, she's so nice", I was very clicky and didn't care too much about anyone other than my "circle", I was voted most likely to marry for money in HS pretty much because I was a bitch, I've been easy to walk away from friendships that are just too hard, My husband is the only man in my life who I've been faithful to or respected at all, and I've always struggled with materialism and still do.

Around 8 years ago, I made what you could call a "deal with God"... you give me or show this, this & this.. and I will become & do this, this, & this. Not at all ideal, certainly not how many relationships start... but it's how mine & the Lord's started. In some areas over the years I've grown & worked to be the person I am now. Not so much in other areas.. many parts of my life and the old me have been harder to let go of. But at least I can say, I know my faults, and boy do I try. Yet somehow in conversation, so much of this old me diggs up and the new me just becomes sick to think of things I've done, the way I lived my life, people I've burned, or the way I've behaved. Letting go of worldly things is one of my biggest vices. I sat very envious tonight of a girlfriends new Burberry bag. I actually stared at it at least for about 10 minutes throughout the night. I wish I could rewind two years back when we were still sitting pretty and in escrow for a 2.4 million dollar dream home. Again.. it's about letting go of worldly things.

I'm going to go to bed now.. going to pray for my family, pray for myself, and snuggle up to my husband all with a greatful heart.

Tuesday, February 17, 2009

Do you know the defintion of insanity?

By 9am, I had already thrown the towel in for the day and decided that I was not getting mother of the year award. This morning I dealt with normal mom stuff, trying to get two little girls clothes picked out, hair done, tummies filled in a hurry to get them to school this morning while holding on to my sick 9-mo. old. We got all the way to Fullerton Ave. in the pouring rain only to have to make a u-turn to come back & get Isabella's backpack she left at home. When we parked I realized that the umbrella was also at home. I felt my self becoming unglued when my 3 yr. old couldn't put on her coat. I got very upset when I had to turn around for a backpack. I was not patient. I was not kind. I was completely missing that I could have used frustrating situations as teachable moments. Instead of building them up, I was probably tearing them down. Usually when I've lost all patience, my five year old gets the brunt of it. Where I learned to expect so much of her, I don't know. I really do have to take a step back and remind myself that she is in fact, only five. I have to remember they are not checklists, but my sweet little children. After I dropped them off, I had a knot in my stomach, and prayed all the way home.

It was clear to me as it often is, "You are not a good mom if you don't first ask for God's hand". What I should have done at 5am this morning instead of checking my facebook was enjoy my coffee & spend time with the Lord. I should have asked for patience, for kindness, for tolerance, and for overflowing LOVE for my kids & husband. I forget to do this most mornings, only to go back to the Lord and ask "what went wrong? and fix this please!". The defintion of insanity is doing the same things over and over again but expecting different results. So by defintion, does that make me insane. What makes me think the day would be any different if I start each morning the same?

Friday, February 13, 2009

Goodbye Crappy week.. hello to the weekend!

This morning I went to Loretta's & met up with a couple other Mom2Mom gals to clean Loretta's house before she has a house full of people after tomorrow's services. I was so glad to get to hug her & see that outwardly she looked great. Cleaning her house was hard. Not her house, her home, looking at all the photos of a happy husband, wife, & beautiful little boys. You could see what a home and what a life they had made together. Just like any other home you could see the things that made them, them. Who they were together. How in one split second, everything has now changed. The word "Family" is now redefined for the Lamb family. I cried all the way home for her.

This tragidy seems to be one amongst many this week...Miss CeCe, my daughter's teacher, who over the years, I've become so very fond of, is probably as we speak waiting for her mother to pass as they've had to "unplug" her. Our family got the news of just how very serious his cancer is and soon have to deal with the fact that he may not be here much longer. My friend Traci, is loosing her father-in-law to cancer complications. Her daughter Kiana, was pulled out of class today to say her goodbyes Isabella said. When I got home today, I came home to an email that Paymaan, a close friend of ours got laid off (they have 3 little boys).

I've tried to avoid watching the news and seem to be praying all day long for friends, for health, for victory in our family. I work hard at trying not to lean on my own understanding, trust in the Lord with all my heart. But with such sadness going on around you, it can become overwhelming.

Monday, February 9, 2009

I want to trust the Lord on this one..

Last night I came home from a super fun dinner with our neighbor only to get the message that a friend's husband had passed away. It was sudden, it was unexpected, he was at home, and their children ages 4 & 6 were there. The very very worst part is that he wasn't a believer.

How devastating.. I've got some major questions for the Lord on this one. I know that the Lord sees the big picture and we just see a little bit of it, but like with all major tragedy's I wonder what good could ever come from this?

Loretta has been a friend since I moved to Corona five years ago. We met at my Moms Club before we even worked in the Mom2Mom ministry at Crossroads together. We weren't super close but I believe with all of my heart that if I called her and said, "Loretta, I need some groceries, I need you to watch my kids, and I need help with my laundry" that she would be here right away with a bag of groceries. You hear that phrase, "she is the hands & feet of Jesus.." That is truly her. So the fact that something so horrific could happen to someone who loves & serves the Lord so passionately literally blows your mind.

I didn't get a lot of sleep last night, we cried together at our mom2mom meeting this morning, and now that I'm home, I still have a bunch of nervous energy over what she is going through right now.

I just want my husband home. I want to hug him. I want to tell him how much I appreciate him. Most of all right now, I wish I could hug Loretta. I'm going to pray that the Lord brings her as much comfort as she always brings to others. I'm left thinking about this peice of scripture:

Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding. Prov 3:5

Friday, February 6, 2009

Weeding

I think it's amazing how one sentence can spark anger and upset and how ultimately it can be turned into words that are not said and opinions viewed that weren't even there. I spent my night last night very upset and even more upset this morning at someone who is angry at me for feelings I don't even have. I can't beleive that even in your 30's this goes on between women still. I'm so very bothered by it because it's from a person, though maybe we are not "friends", I really did like her. But now, I'm afraid the damage has been done and whatever friendship we did have is probably gone. I'm going to just chalk it up as God has a way of weeding people out of your life who don't need to be there. Also I'm going to remind myself that I'm just too old to have people in my life who are more concerned about letting their feelings be voiced then to take account anyone elses feelings. I'm going to shake it off & not let it ruin my day. I'm going to wish her & her gorgous children the very best.