Tuesday, December 29, 2009

Make new friends but keep the old, one is silver and the other gold.

So, I'm all about the photos (and the friends) this month. December is always an amazing reminder of my blessings. I'm always blessed by Christmas with my kids & celebrating my wedding anniversary. This month, I got to celebrate Ryann's baby shower AND spend time with three amazing friends that I haven't seen in at least 6 years. My friend Caby, whom I met in the 5th grade, flew down from Arizona for Ryann's shower. We were in San Diego about 7 years ago the last time we hung out. We spent a brief time together at our High School reunion in '06. I also hadn't seen my friend Cheryl in 6+ years. Then last night, Amber came to stay with her 4 daughters. We became friends in the 11th grade & were insepperable. We haven't seen each other since Isabella was 5 months old. I won't lie when I say, after saying goodbye to her, I cried all the way home. I don't know when I'm going to see her again and I'm left feeling such a loss that our kids can't grow up together. As different as we are 15 years later, we just fit.
With all of these friendships, they are easy, the burdon is light. Maybe it's unconditional love, great understanding of who people are, history, who knows. But it's special. They feel like family. It's a great reminder that friendship is supposed to be that, "easy". It's not supposed to be dramatic or confrentational. Not everyone is a "fit" and you shouldn't have to earn it. Sometimes you can even go years and it feels like not a week has passed. That's how friendship should be. It's a great reminder to pour more into the people you love most. I've really been blessed this month.

Sunday, December 27, 2009

Sidenote: I'm back..

So where have I been the past two months? Redefining myself a bit I guess. The past few months have been a huge period of growth and this time, it had to be a very private one. After leaving a ministry at Church very abruptly, that has hugely helped identify me the past six years, I did have a lot of figuring out to do. I had to learn to forgive, to move on, to not define my worth by my my acts of service or even a "title" carried. I've learned that my acts of service need to come first in my home. I've learned that trust is a precious thing, be thoughtful as to whom you give it to. I've accepted that being up front and honest (eventhough it can hurt) is always better than talking about people behind their backs, even if it makes you appear abrasive. Transparancy is a big thing right? Anyhow, here I am two months later... no regrets.. Only thankfulness for things learned, good done, the very best friends that a girl could ever ask for, and a Church that I'm ever greatful for.

Tuesday, October 27, 2009

Upside down, but getting right side up!

For a little while I've been feeling upside down. Stretched too thin. Caring too much? Caring too little? Striving to be everything in every capacity. Looked to to go solve problems, overlooked by others. Chasing after an image of who you are supposed to be for the Lord. Trying to conform to this mold that you feel you should be, only find the hard truth of maybe that's just not who you are supposed to be after all. And maybe things feel hard when we push for what we want instead of what the Lord wants for us. Sometimes in order for the Lord to get us to move, it takes a shaking. When you do realize truth, it's as if a weight is being lifted from you, and you breathe again. The fleshly down size of that exchange of weight is to look in the mirror and not really know who you are anymore. When something is so apart of your identity, and what you thought to be in your future, you wonder how everyday life will function on without that "roll" in your life. You feel like you owe explanations to people, but you don't really have them. You feel as if you've abandoned some people and left them hanging, maybe that fight with God could've been wresteled through some more. You could have hung on much harder. You want to blame others but really, it's just The Lord's hand. You know he sees the big picture eventhough you do not. Feeling like it's an uncomfortable dream and you'll awake & things will go back to normal, but really just the start of new, though you have no idea of what that "new" will be.

For I know the plans I have for you; plans to prosper you and not to harm you. Plans to give you hope and a future. Jeremiah 29:11

Sunday, October 18, 2009

Anywhere but here.

Yesterday evening I got home from a much needed night away for Crossroads' Women's retreat in Dana Point. I was able to get away with friends and pray about the gaps in my life (1 day? Clearly not enough time to cover all the gaps in my life) It all went so fast, that I didn't even call home. I thought by 6pm last night, that I was excited to see my family. But as I walked in the door, even with a smiling 4 year old face running at me, I was not excited to be there. I also couldn't wait to see my baby who was already sleeping, but as I woke this morning, found myself tip-toing around upstairs, so I wouldn't wake her.

All in all, I'm just not ready to be mom yet, I'd like to be anywhere but here. I still need more vacation. I have been TIRED the past few weeks. Notably, with a big TIRED. I've been overwhelmed with Housework, homework, sick kids, kids fighting, a baby that never wants to be put down and most days no to little help. All leaving me so exausted that I no longer have time to take care of myself. No nail appointments, no time alone to even read it seems. I actually day dream about going to the gym just to be alone (Crazy right?). I day dream about having a housekeeper to lighten my load. I've been so busy that I don't even get out to see friends anymore. Maybe once a week? Doesn't sound like a big deal.. but mommies so need that support. I miss my best friends. I've had to decline almost every activitiy that I've been invited to. Two weeks in a row, I haven't even made it to bible study because of something going on with my kids. I'm stressed, I'm short with my kids, I have a stye in my eye, and I'm only sleeping about 6 hours a night because I have so much to do!

I'm asking this morning and will be praying in church for a revival of my spirit! For a big change in my heart! I'm praying for a big dose of the right attitude...knowing that children are a gift of God, as the Bible says in Psalm 127:3.
Wait for the LORD; be strong and take heart and wait for the LORD.”- Psalm 27:14 I will wait on this promise. They are all promises, you just have to listen quietly enough, and be open enough to receive them!

Sunday, September 27, 2009

Is honesty the best policy? Really?

So for a couple years, I've really been working on transparancy. Being true to myself, being true to others and being very honest. For many many years, honesty in my life was not a priority. Little fib here, little white lie there, and most certainly how I really felt was tucked under the carpet. Maybe because I was afraid "my truths" were not good enough, or maybe even worried I might be judged? Relationships have been harmed because of this. I've spent many years repairing damage done, bridges broken, trying to mend even sometimes what seems unrepairable.

Now, I try and live my life with the utmost of transparancy and truth and it still seems like I'm in a hampster wheet trying to repair relationships that I can't seem to hold together. It is all a very fine line. I'm open about my marriage, 90% of the time, it's great.. but when it's bad, it's bad.. I'm open about our finances, they suck, but I've seen the Lord's hand working it. Friendships.. most are great, some require extra work. Being a mom, we have good and bad days, but I sure try my best. I'm open about my Faith.. I look to The Lord for my every answer. But because I, myself, am so imperfect, many of my actions are too, no matter how much guidance I seek. But point being, It's all open & out there for people to see. I notice the people who are like that, like me in that aspect, are the people who I am closest with. They are people who I just "get" the most. It's the people who are hard to find true depth with that I struggle the most to love in the way they need it. I guess no longer do well with "cosmetic" relationships but I'm also so stubborn that I refuse to give up on them, praying for more.

Is honesty always the best policy? I hope so. Do I exclude myself because of it a bit? Probably so. Does honesty always feel good in the end? Nope- not always.

Tuesday, September 8, 2009

What if our kids had 30 days to live?

Today was one of those days. Anything that could have gone askew, did. By 7pm, I was so exausted that I felt my brain shutting down. My kids were talking to me, and I literally didn't hear them. My dad would have called it "Murphy's Law" - whatever that meant. We all have those bad mommy days.

Tonight after I got all my kids down to bed, I sat down to pray and reflect on how my day went, how I could have done better, and what to do so that tomorrow is a better day. The only thing I could think to do was scrub my floors that dirtied my crawling daughter's white pants this afternoon. Great thinking time. Great praying time. My mind went to our current study at Church, Live like you were dying... what would you do if you had 30 days to live? My mind took that and went, "What if my children had 30 days to live?" Yes, very morbid, but think about it. What if you knew your children only had 30 days left here on Earth with you, then they were gone?

How would you wake them in the morning? Even if you were exausted, would you take the time to read that extra book to them? Would you sit down every night and eat dinner with them? Would you sing to them and be silly with them in car rides and during bathtime? How would your bedtime routine change? Would you harp on their messy room or would you grant them grace? If they woke up their baby sister, would you yell at them out of frustration or would you handle it more kindly? Would you detour through the busy store, just so they could get a peek at the goldfish swimming in the tanks?

All these questions pounded into me, spoke volumes to my heart, and gave me the answers I needed. Just because (God willing) they will not leave me in 30 days.... someday, that little child in them will. They will grow up. They will want their friends more than me. Someday they won't want me to read that (long) book to them. Someday the wonder in that goldfish will disappear, & they'll want to go down an isle to look at a boy. They will move out of our home. They will not be little much longer.
How should we be treating our sweet little ones? My answer would be, "Like they have 30 days to live." No matter how much patience it takes.

Tuesday, August 25, 2009

A Fervent life

Last Sunday I can honestly say I learned a word that I had not heard before. Fervent. I understood it because of the context it was used, but none the less, I came home & looked it up:
1. having or showing great warmth or intensity of spirit, feeling, enthusiasm, etc.; ardent: a
fervent admirer; a fervent plea.
2. hot; burning; glowing.
A fervent love for our spouse, for our children, for the people in our lives is what we learned about. I think we all want to love like that.. enthusiastic love! But what about for our life? I have to say that in being able to find a word a definition to how I am trying to live my life is a relief.. I want to live that fervent life.

Today like some days, I'm feeling pretty exhausted. Not physical but mental. I have meeting dates, and ideas, prayers, goals all floating around in my head.. sometimes it feels like my brain is made of soup! Lots of places to be, lots of fun to be had with my kids.. oh wait, and housecleaning, cooking, & laundry. Sometimes, I sit back and say.. "gez.. I should just be satisfied to be a mom and a wife and not chase after so many other things (Admittedly, I could be better at both of those)" I'm exhausted, but I think that the Lord would have nothing less for me. With great faith comes great responsibility, right?. You feel a greater call to make better of your life. To live it to the fullest. You feel the calling to share it.

With the exhaustion, I can also say there is huge internal peace within me. I can honestly say that if I died tomorrow, I would be told, "Well, done good and faithful servant." No what if's... No regrets.. No I wish I... and there is so much peace in that. I wish that for everyone I love, not the longing for change or for it to be better, as some of my friends would have.

Am I juggling too much? Well, to some maybe.. but certainly over the past few years I've definitely been able to prune back & reprioritze (so yes, this is my life pruned back). I struggle every day to be more "Mary" and less "Martha".. to do it all the right way. I know that tired or not, where I am, is where I'm called to be. And if I'm called, I expect to be given the tools I need to get the job done, always having Philippians 4:13 in my mind.

Sunday, July 19, 2009

Hearing about The Rock.

Sometimes, just when things in your life look bad, something happens to someone you love that adds a new light to your life. Yesterday one of my friend's husband's up & left. They have two little boys together. So we did what we always do in times of crisis, we banded together to pray, to hug, and show support. At church this morning, we all sat in a row side-by-side, I looked to my left & saw my sometimes-very-under-appreciated husband, to my right, my friend Loretta who's husband passed in February, and looking further down the row, I counted my blessings for each of these women, all being so special in my life.

Then within the first 20 minutes of the sermon, quite literally a rock was moved from my heart. The questions that haven't been allowing me to sleep for days have been, " why me Lord, when all I do is serve you? "Why am I not in your favor?" "Where are my extra blessings?" "Why do I do all of this?" These question s were all simply answered as, "You get to serve the Lord" that's what I get in return. I was making it all about me. Sure, I'll take the good stuff but when the bad stuff comes, boy do I take it personally. I need to remember that in good or bad, I have been called to him. In that calling, my life has been changed forever, my family has been changed forever. I need to concentrate more on the rock and invest more of my security in him. . Today I was taken out of my normal paradigm and brought to look at things a bit differently. Did hearing what I heard today answer all of my problems? No way. But do I feel so much better? Oh yes. I can't wait for today to be posted on Crosssroads' website, I'm looking forward to hearing it again, and catch probably a few things that I missed. Wheww....

Thursday, July 16, 2009

Ever feel so broken & so unsure of the future?

Getting the news that we lost our two year battle with Versante was about as devestating of a blow that I could imagine. We fought the long hard battle for what will be nearly 3 years this winter. I know it was a home we didn't belong in. I know that the Lord shutting the door on us moving into the home in hindesight, was the best thing for our family. However in my heart, I guess I always beleived the good would prevail. I thought we would get our $70,000 deposit back or at least the $50,000 that is still sitting in Escrow. I thought that all of the money we paid in Attorney's fees would be worth it in the end. But in the end, it looks as if being the good guy wasn't enough, his story was stronger than ours. He found a way to "prove" that we didn't want the home & "we" backed out of the contract. We're not only kissing our money & future hopes goodbye but also now figuring out a way to pay for his Attorney's fees.

If ever my faith is shaken it is now. When do we deserve a break? We've taken LOTS of lumps and learned LOTS of lessons the past 2 1/2 years but I have to wonder when will it stop and to what expense? What good is the Lord going to bring of this? Where has God been in lately in hearing our cries? What good is coming of any of this? I've always beleived that the Lord is caring for us and guiding us, but lately all I feel is silence. I want to understand how we are going to learn from the rich builder getting to keep our money, when we so badly needed it. Right now, I'm a little tired of being positive. I don't feel the Lord nor do I hear him right now. I'm waiting on Bill to call me back but I'm thinking he's short on words and even shorter on hope himself right now.
Ted Mayes, of Versante Villas, congratualtions.. I hope your victory feels sweet.

Thursday, July 9, 2009

Am I obedient or stubborn?

This afternoon I did about one of the saddest things imaginable, I said goodbye to our recently foreclosed home. For months & months, unbenounced to me, I'm sure to save me from worry, the renters in our Eastvale home were not paying us (almost since the day they moved in). We could not afford to keep up two house payments. We knew the house would be taken this week but told we would be given the opportunity to collect the rest of our belongings from the house ( 2 couches, a 60" tv, our patio park bench, & a giant water slide folded up in the backyard). The renters were gone, as was everything inside. The door was unlocked so I walked in. My heart broke as I walked upstairs and saw my girls' bedrooms that I painted, the ceiling fans I picked out, & the shelving I drilled into the girls' closets. The rooms that I brought them home to from the hospital to and rocked them for endless hours were so empty. The first thing I remember when I walked into our bedroom is once when the house was being built, Bill and I, and our newborn Isabella were finally able to walk up to our bedroom, it was all drywall & I don't think any windows or flooring was put in, but we sat there and imagined all that was to come in that house. The giant tree in the front yard was given to me in a little pot as a housewarming gift from Bill years ago when I moved into my first studio apt. in Newport.

The house we are in now, is far more beautiful that our former home, but it doesn't make my detachment to our old home any easier. But it all leads me to ask, am I obedient to what the Lord wants for us or am I just plain stubborn? The whole reason we left our Eastvale home was to be closer to Crossroads Christian School. From the moment we moved to Corona & found our church and school, it was just "that is where our kids are going to go" That was a great plan because we had the money to do so at the time. But over the past 2 years as money has become increasingly tighter, every month we have struggled making our monthly tuition payments. We do without a lot of things to afford to send our kids there. We've now moved our family, lost a home I loved & ruined our credit. Even now, I'd like to entertain the thought of a 4th child someday, but as of now, we could not afford the education for a fourth.
Have I been obediently following the plan that I've always thought the Lord had for our children by attending this school or has it been something I've/We've wanted so badly that we have pursued it at any cost? I'm having a hard time discerning the two. I'm having a hard time not feeling a tremendous amount of guilt right now. Part of me is wishing that I could go back a year, have stayed in our old home & sent Isabella to one of the brand new public schools in Eastvale. I wonder if we would have had a much different financial outcome this year & if now we'd be sitting in a different place.

I'm really going to have to have a heart to heart with the Lord on this one and make sure our family is in alignment with where he wants us. I try hard every day to make sure that my day, our lives, and our path is not lead by our own wants, but I struggle.

Tuesday, July 7, 2009

Knowing who you are.

Do you ever feel like you are under personal attack? So much so that it does make you take a step back & check your motives, when all along you've thought them to be pure? In 2009, I've lost oppertunities & "friends" so I've thought.. but I like to beleive the Lord has a way of weeding people out of your life (even if it's not pretty) who don't belong there. It's a great reminder to watch who you give the earned title of "friend" to. I also beleive that he also steers you away from what seems like a great thing in order to make room for bigger things in your life (even if you go kicking & screaming).

You have to remember that the devil is the king of deception. He is real and he knows our weaknesses. He can use people, christians, non-christians to find your weaknesses. Satin is able to take things said & motives you've had had & twist them to his favor so that your words and actions take on a different meaning, depending on the audience. It seems as if people just wait for that "Christian" to step out of line, say something wrong, act inappropriately, or act imperfectly (which of course you will). So much that they'll place their own thoughts to a situation in place of yours just to find you in the wrong . Sometimes I think people want you to fall. But don't beleive it. Pick yourself back up and continue on your best. You won't always be perfect. Lean into the Lord. Trust in him. Ask him to pick you up & give you strength. Ask him to keep your motives clear and pure.

Sunday, July 5, 2009

Happy Birthday Baby!

I remember 4th of July 6 years ago. I was plugged into a million machines at Hoag Hospital waiting for Isabella to arrive. Outside my room, we could hear the fireworks go off and the festivities below going on around us. My stomach was churning not only at the anticipation & anxiety of our first child but also because I literally could feel my youth being pushed out of me. I could hear the crowds at the beach below & wondered if I'd ever have fun like that again now that I was about to be a mom & I wondered just how life was going to change.

Flash forward six years, as every year since Isabella's arrival, every time I hear fireworks, all I can think about is the day my little baby was born (sidenote: she was not born on 7/4 but I was in labor for 24 hours!). The sound reminds me of how I walked into a hospital room one day and walked out a completely different person the next. Every priority I ever had was reorganized. When Isabella was born, I completely learned about selfless love. I learned what really was to be tired & sleepless. I learned what it was like to worry so much that you nearly feel paralyzed. I learned that one simple word or action can bring you to tears. I learned about what love and life is really about. I thought I had some of those things figured out prior to having her but in hindsight, I really had no clue.

So this Holiday weekend is really my Mother's day, one of the days I celebrate most. The day that changed my life forever. Today we spent an amazing day with our girl on her 6th birthday. We just took time out to celebrate her and feel so greatful for her. We are just in awe of how quickly the days truly go.

Wednesday, June 17, 2009

Our newest girl, Cinnamon

I don't think you'll ever forget watching an animal die. When we had Mocha, he drove me insane. Fur everywhere, accidents in the house, eating too much & throwing up, he didn't listen to me. I just couldn't wait to get rid of him. But when he was gone & I saw the pain that my family went through loosing this animal, all I felt was regret. I feel regret for not taking the time out of my busy life to bond with this dog. I feel badly for not having enough patience with him when in hindsight most of his behavior was because he was old and sick. The two nights we spent without him, things were sad in our house. The girls & Bill were just not quite the same.

So yesterday we went to two animal shelters to start our search for the perfect family cat (nice & low maintence). We were at the Riverside County shelter trying to filter through the hundreds of kittys & the girls wanted to go check out the dogs before we left. In one of the very last cages sat a purebread chocolate lab (she looked like a skinny, shorter version of Mocha). The girls wouldn't leave the dog's side. It just leaned into the girls against the bars. She's a 5-yr, 70lb girl. Found as a stray. Just checked out & put into the cage yesterday. The girls didn't want to leave her there. Sophia started to cry. Mommy started to cry. Of course I couldn't leave her there.. but I didn't have the $100 to adopt on me & no card on me. It was 4:40 & the shelter was closing at 6pm. So they started all paperwork & the girls & I piled back into the car & raced back home to Corona to get some cash. I prayed the whole way, that "Lord, if we are not meant to have this dog, close this door now. Let the shelter be closed, let us not make it in time, but if we are meant to have her, get us back in time." We got back to the shelter at 5:59, they locked the doors behind us as soon as we got there.

We've spent the first night with her and it feels like we've had her forever already. The saddest part about her is that she WAS someone's pet. She listens to commands, knows to go to the door to potty, and slept quietly in a dog bed all night downstairs. She doesn't have hip problems like Mocha did so can get in & out of the car easily. She has just the right amount of spunk to play with the girls, but doesn't jump on them. Bill is so happy to have her. He is thrilled. The girls are thrilled. Is she going to drive me crazy? Probably. Another living thing to care for, but she's here for the greater good & I'll try & remember that each day I sweep the piles of hair off of the floor. I'll remember that I think she was there in that cage, that day, meant just for us.

Friday, June 12, 2009

Things learned about Family this past month

Growing up not having very much of it- I guess I never understood the true workings of it. I didn't have to do alot of "doing unto others as you would have done to yourself." In the past month, I've learned alot about families.

I've seen the very best shine through as well as the very worst. I've learned through Jerry that eventhough God gives you biological family, it doesn't mean they are family. We had people walk through our door for Jerry's memorial that made my mom just want to scream because of how kept their backs turned to him even in his last days. Some of his family didn't bother to come at all. Unfortunately, someday we will be held accountable for our actions, all of our actions. There were some family that came, that eventhough complete estrangment had taken place over the years, they were so welcome and couldn't have been more loved, all there is is regrets that the past 15 years were not spent making more effort to be a better family. Through my mom & Phyllis, I've learned just how strong the bond between sisters can be, no matter the years or distance in between. Family shown it's face through the women that were here in our kitchen running the show & dropping off meals. Family showed up as loving mothers of friends who couldn't do much but send much needed money. Family has been clearly outlined at my daughter's school. On several occasions, I've known that the amount of money that we pay to send our kids to this private school is not understood when there are perfectly good HUGE public schools near our home. I guess now, I can clearly say, we pay to be a part of something more, a family. Aside from the Christian teaching, THAT is what we pay for & worth every cent.

After a very chaotic month, I'd be ignorant to say that I haven't changed- alot on the inside at least. I've been soaking up every teachable moment of diffiuculty our family has faced. I've learned a lot about the people in my life and if it's possible, I'm even more greatful for them than I was a month ago.

Friday, May 22, 2009

How we got here.

SO I know people are wondering how we got here. I've also been asked why I call Jerry, my mom's husband and not my step-dad. I guess my answer would be sheer habit. I can say now that unfortunately Jerry and I never had much of a bond. He came into my life at age 15 by 18, I couldn't wait to get out of the house. I had always felt I didn't have the decision to live with him or not so, when I was old enough I booted out of there. For years, I blamed him for "ruining" my mom's life. As time went by, the years changed him. They changed me. My children coming into the world changed everyone. Jerry turned into the world's best Grandpa- hands down.

After I had Isabella, all my mom could think about was getting out of Quartzsite, AZ and being closer to me & our growing family. Bill & I were in a great financial place & made the decision, let's open up a family business so everyone could be here. We plunked down $75K and purchased a little gym franchise. Months later, the same day in 2006 that my little t-shirt company, Bella Baby Designs hit a spread in Parents Magazine, we also got the diagnosis on Jerry, he had a horrible lung disease & he would decline quickly if he did not have a lung transplant. Bill and I had to make an immediate decision to stop both the shirt company & plans with our gym in order to save any money we needed for what was about to happen. It seems like in the blink of an eye, my mom & Jerry had to pack up & leave Arizona. Before we knew it, they were broke, & there was only us to carry them. They were living with us and for a time, we thought it would be indefinate. We did what we thought was right for the entire family & plunked down another $75K to buy the house of our "DREAMS" that would accommodate everyone- forever if needed. Well, we all know where that went, we're still fighting to get that money back. Over the course of the next few years, we happlily took care of my mom & Jerry's needs, never once to hear from his family, never once an offer of help, let alone a telephone call. There were huge implications to us financially and our young marriage that barely survied sometimes. The mortgage industry had taken a dump by now. Eventually Jerry received his lung transplant & began to get better. It's now been a year this past April that they have been living on their own, they have been struggling. They've been living month to month, really aside from us taking care of their car, they were doing it all on their own.

The past several months since the diagnosis of cancer, we wish we could do so much more for them only now we are not in a place to be able to do so. It's very disheartening. I've asked pretty much everyone locally I know to chip stuff in for a garage sale tomorrow morning to help my mom with upcoming funeral costs (there is a considerable discount if paying for it pre-need) It's aweful that we just can't write out a check to fix everything. It's even akward asking friends to pitch in. The people I expected to hear from, are front & center wanting to help. Others are surprisingly void of anything going on on my end of the world which I'm trying to not let be hurtful.

So, that is how we got here. Wish us luck on the garage sale tomorrow!

Tuesday, May 19, 2009

I'm back!

So, last night was the last meeting of 2009 Spring Semester of M2M which means, I'm officially back! This was a very interesting year. I took the first semester off to get aquainted to baby Alyssa and to get us moved to South Corona. I felt called back to join the second semester and go somewhere totally new, the Monday morning group. I didn't really know anyone (accept Lisa & Kim) and to be honest after the first meeting, I didn't really want to go back. It's so akward being the new girl - anywhere, even at my age! But when we closed out yesterday, I had nothing short of a completely greatful heart for the semester spent with this new group of ladies. I made several new friends.. great friends. During this time, so many answers were revealed to me. (You can go back to my first blog post of the year). It was decided that yes, Mom2Mom is a priority in my life...held higher than anything else I could possibly find to do with my life aside from my family. It's with this ministry that my heart truly belongs. I was able to into a new group, in a new position and in the end was told, "be thankful for what it was, but you belong back in your old position, in your old group" which was the furthest thing I would have ever imagined 5 months ago.

If you don't know what M2M is, it is a group of women formally called MOPS. Our church just decided to take it on our own & get rid of the MOPS chapter. In the nearly 5 years I've served with this group, I've literally seen more lives change that I could ever count. I've made more of the closet relationships that I've ever had. I myself, have changed so much that I don't even recognize the person that I was prior to being in this group. I have a new set of eyes. I have a greatfulness in my heart & a love for other people (moms in particular) that I can't explain. It's a lot of unpaid work, but payment comes in a different form. It is here that I learned to not be selfserving. It's where I learned what it was really like to serve others. Knowing that I'm a small part in making big life changes for other women, that trickles down into marriages and into raising children, feels amazing. It feels amazing to be back apart of something so meaningful. I can't wait to start out the new year... big things are coming!

Wednesday, May 13, 2009

Wishing things weren't as they are

I woke up this morning and in the first 10 seconds didn't think about what I saw last night when I sent to visit Jerry in the hospital. But as soon as I turned my head, I realized what is going on, is really going on. I guess I wished it was just a bad dream. I wish that I could tell my mom that everything was going to be okay and she would beleive me. I wish I could tell my girls that their only grandpa, who's only in his mid 50's will be around to see them grow old. I wish that when I saw Jerry in that bed last night, that he had peace. There was no peace in his behavior, only a very scared man who didn't want to shut his eyes out of fear that he wouldn't wake up. Even someone with faith as strong as I have has a hard time processing the reason for so much suffering. I can't imagine how someone with little to no faith processes a situation like this. Right now, I'm praying that the Lord will give Jerry peace. I'm praying that the Lord will give my mom a miracle and heal him or that his suffering will end and the Lord will take him quickly. I'm praying that I have the right words to ease anything that my girls are going to go through. If you haven't seen the blog on Jerry, it's www.jerryjarrett.blogspot.com. I'll be putting the latest updates there.

Friday, May 8, 2009

Having a greatful heart this Mother's day weekend.

Ten years ago I would have never thought I would be celebrating mother's day then you meet the man who is perfect for you and in the blink of an eye, you have three little faces staring back at you. I've been blessed to celebrate 5 mother's days now, and I'm always in awe of the people we've brought into this world. My husband has blessed me by allowing me to stay home and raise them. He works so hard that even in financially pressing times, our children are still able to continue with their daily lives and have no clue of the stresses going on around them. He works 12 hour days and still accommodates his schedule so that I can make the most of time spent with our kids.

I'm so grateful to the amazing mothers that I have in my life. It's because of them, that I think I have it better than so many who haven't quite "got it" yet. Because of what other moms have taught me, I've learned to appreciate every day, every moment. I'll always remember rocking my girls to sleep, remember how they smell, remember each giggle, how they look in their favorite pajamas. I take tons of photos, I take lots of videos, I let them help with cooking or laundry even when I'd rather just get it over with, I read that extra book to them at night if they ask. I'm doing my best to absorb every moment all being acutely aware that this stage in life will be over in a heartbeat. The thought of not having little feet running around the house playing, is devastating to me.

I have to give thanks to some moms in my life who have made a big impact. My mom has taught me the true meaning of strength. She's also taught me how NOT to raise a teenager LOL. My friend Anita has taught me true faith of all situations. My friend Jen Powell has taught me that no matter what obstacle you are facing, you can press forward. My friend Debbie, has a daughter with a genetic disease, and has no idea how much she inspires me. Momsie, Julie Smith has taught me about redemption. Kim Burke was the FIRST person to ever teach me about Proverbs 22:6. My friend Jamie was the first person to show me what it truly meant to be a Godly parent & redefined my entire life. My friend Lisa reaffirms me every day that yes, we can do it all through Christ who gives us strength. I think I could go on and on. Because of these women, I'm blessed, my children are blessed. I think of that every day, not just Mother's day. I'm so grateful to them.

Thursday, April 30, 2009

Two quick mommy confessions- shh.. don't tell anyone.

Knowing that when we walked in the door from preschool at 11:30 that I would have to be back out the door by 12:45 for parent/teacher conferences, I was in a rush against time to get two girls a quick nap. In one arm, I held sleepy Alyssa, and in the other, I struggled to fill her bottle. I quickly laid Alyssa in her crib and handed her full bottle to her. I handed it to her not realizing I forgot to screw the nipple of her bottle on and drenched her. Milk up her nose, in her eyes, in her ears, all over her bed, clothes and hair. She let out a blood curdling scream and almost started to choke. Out of reaction, I grabbed pooh baby to clean up the mess (another bad idea). I quickly ripped off her sheet, ran downstairs to refill the bottle & grab the top of the bottle, changed her and laid a soft blanket down in her crib to lay her on. Still with her hair wet from the milk and handed her her milky wet Pooh baby. If it wouldn't have been cruel to do so, I would have taken a photo of it as I can't beleive one bottle of milk could possibly do so much damage. It's now 25 minutes before we have to leave the house and my once exausted baby is still upstairs wide awake in the crib playing after the shock.

Confession number two is that after I quickly shoved lunch down Sophia, I put in her in bed for her nap with her shoes on (hoping she would forget and she did). I figured I could save 5 minutes of having to re-tie her converse before leaving the house. I figure you've got to cut corners where you can.

These confessions were made public for my friend Mary as this morning during a long conversation, she told me.. "You are so good. You have it all together, You are like mom of the year." Why yes, Mary.. I do have it all together huh? Make you feel better? ha ha..

Sunday, April 19, 2009

Tired of thinking about money!

October of this year will make the 3 year mark since we found the "devil home" as I so fondly like to call it. Back then, we were sitting so finacially set, with no way to see where we'd be right now. I'd like to think that we were getting into that home with the very best intentions, to have a home for our growing family and my mom & Jerry. We were looking at these homes, Toll Brothers homes, and a home I loved off of Garretson Ave., completely more than we needed, but I personally was becoming very fogged by everything.. more, bigger, better!! Completely forgetting to be thankful, humble, & appreciative. We were not praying about financial situations before jumping into them...completely loosing sight that this money wasn't ours but only borrrowed to us by the Lord. Sure we were tithing & donating here & there, being generous when needed, but was our mindset in the correct place? Would we have the views on money if we had not gone through what we've been through the past two years? We must have needed a BIG wake up call.

We now meet with the judge in early July. He will determine if we deserve to get our $70K deposit back. It's only April and I'm nervously in prayer about this every day. Every day I'm asking for favor & grace. I'm thankful for everything we've learned but am ready for this blessing to come our way! Now with a different set of eyes, I don't want to take that money and have it spent in several months on things we don't need, I'd like to have it to be able to buy the home we are living in & pay our kids' tuition for the year. After a few years of having lessons kicked into us, I'd like a little break.

Friday, April 10, 2009

Will this day ever end?

At 7am, I woke Bill up & looked around thinking "okay, what are the priorities?" Looking at my bed, I asked, "Lord, let me wash all the bedding another day" within 10 minutes there was baby poop on those sheets. By 8am, Isabella & Sophia were screaming to the death at each other (as they have been for nearly 9 days), Sophia in hystercial frustrated tears. By 9am I had already unleashed to Bill in the kitchen that I just couldn't do it all. I also advised him to quit giving me advice unless it was something that could tangibly help me (like a phone number for a good housekeeper or Super Nanny). By 10am, we were already at Chuck E. Cheese. This is probably my only peaceful time of the day. Who would have thought I'd have to go to Chuck E. Cheese to have a little peace. Isn't that backwards? It's now 4pm. I've cleaned the kitchen, swept floors, cleaned up playdough, & paint projects, done 3 loads of laundry, changed bedding in 2 rooms, cleaned all 3 girls bedrooms, cleaned a bathroom, made dinner, and looking around my house, it's still dirty.

While folding the laundry today, I actually daydreamed about going back to work. You know, maybe working 8am-3pm, then coming home to the kids who maybe would behave for me since they had been with a sitter all day. I think anything would be less hard than the job I've signed up to do now. Even as I sit here now, trying to clear my head, I hear screaming from the back yard. Sophia just touched something she shouldn't have & war is about to ensue at any moment! If I have to hear one more child tattle on one another tonight, I might just lay my head on the counter and cry. I'm becoming speechless when they fight, not even knowing what do anymore.

Tonight is an amazing service at church. Tonight is also a girl-get-together at Annies. I should go to Church. But I'd really like girl-time and wine. Based on how the next 2 hours go, will probably determine my evening. For now, I'm going to put the stuff manacotti in the oven eventhough Sophia has already professed that she'd rather starve than eat the food I've made tonight. Ugg.

Monday, April 6, 2009

So what happened yesterday?

So if you are in my circle of the world, the biggest buzz on facebook was what occured at Crossroads Church yesterday. I'm sure tons of people are wondering what the buzz was about. I posted that yesterday was a day at church that I will remember the rest of my life. A day later, I still feel the same way.
At the end of the 9am service yesterday, our Pastor asked. "what is keeping you from being baptized right now?" " Take off your shoes & jewelry, we have plastic bags. You won't get your car wet, we have trash bags. If you are worried about your clothing being too revealing, we have black shirts." As I was listening to this and as it was going through my mind, I was thinking, "how amazing if a handful of people came up to do this" (If you aren't familiar with my church, we have a rather large stadium that seats around 2,000 ppl and usually have between 5-6,000 people on any given Sunday)As soon as the music kicked on, people started flooding down the isle. Song after song, people were jumping into these tanks in the front of the room. I heard the response was the same at the 11am service. I went back to collect towels to wash at the 6pm service and the response was the same. At the end of the day 513 people were baptized. If I could say that I ever "felt" God, it was yesterday and I still don't have the words to do it justice.

Sunday, March 29, 2009

We have Pooh!

So here is the end of a very long saga! Last Tuesday, we went to watch Bella's chapel at the Plex at Church, dropped Sophia off to school, met Jamie for breakfast, & went to the store. Somewhere in there, I carelessly lost Alyssa's pooh baby. I had lost the friend that soothes her to sleep every day & calms any of her cries. I sent a photo to my friends at church so everyone could keep an eye out, went back to every location we went to (twice), and I began a frantic search on ebay. Of course this pooh turns out to be a retired disney exclusive so 3 existed on ebay ranging from $34-$74! I searched every small auction site on the web- no luck. Thinking I would be spending $74 on this bear (inc. shipping), I did what any other desperate mom would do (on a budget) I sold two of my pairs of Coach sandals on ebay (oh yes, I did) for some quick extra cash in my paypal account. Funny, when I was purging through my closet 2 weeks ago, there was no way I could let go of these shoes, but in a pinch, they became so easy to let go of.

Day after day I couldn't get Alyssa to sleep. Forget about daytime naps and how many times did she have to wake up each night? No other bear or lovey would do, she just threw everything aside and screamed. I was frantic trying to get this bear quicker than anyone on ebay could get it to me, knowing we were headed for a camping trip for the weekend. I posted this baby on Facebook & the Eastvale message board in hopes some mommy would have one of these bears stuffed in a corner with a million other stuffed animals. I even joined a Winnie the Pooh lovers Yahoo group. Finally, I found a seller of the Pooh Bear who was located in LA ( Hooray! I could drive there) but in a last ditch effort, the seller was gracious enough to make a trip to fed-ex & have it priority overnighted to Bill's office. We were able to pick up the baby on our way out of town on Friday. Instant Releif. Alyssa started sleeping again. She was happy in the car ride. Her friend is finally back. Too funny.

Tuesday, March 17, 2009

Happy St. Paddy's day!

What a funny holiday- even those who are not Irish become so festive today. Today is a day of pure self indulgence. Am I a little jealous? Maybe.. it seems like not that long ago, I looked forward to St. Paddy's day. Either taking the day off or heading straight to Muldoon's or Malarkey's after work for my fair share of green beer!

Fast forward less than a decade...This morning started off going head to head with my five hear old over what St. Paddy's outfit to wear. Do I wear the Shamrock shirt with jeans or the St. Paddy's pants AND what about the green hair accessory? This was how my daughter's morning began. She tried to bribe Sophia out of her jewled St. Patrick's day shirt. She became unglued while trying to decide between the white or black shamrock socks. She became so frustrated that she just exclaimed that she didn't want to go to school at all & threw herself on the bed.

Now, everyone is off to school, Bella has her green lunch & both girls are in festive clothes and I'm knee deep in the after math of cupcakes, broccoli salad, & green lemonade for the afterschool park festivities for the kids. We're going to try & hit 2 park dates after school pick up at 1:30. Then hopefully we'll be home in time to make dinner, do homework, & give baths & be in bed by 7pm.

I'm going to imagine sitting at Malarkey's with girlfriends with not a care in the world. I don't even think I own any green shirts. Thanks to Ryann's mom, I have green St. Patricks socks to wear (love those holiday packages) I will enjoy St. Patrick's day redifined.

Sunday, March 8, 2009

It's 3am and I really can't sleep.

I can't help but think there is something that I'm trying to be told when I can't sleep like this. After all, who needs sleep more than a mom of 3 kids 5 & under?

So, wanted to share.. Pastor Chuck chose one of my blog entries for his
blog over the weekend. I was laughing at my big picture on there- didn't expect that! I'm a little embarrassed that all my junk is out there for my whole church to read about but at the same time, it is what it is. I do my best to be on that level 4 of living we're studying about but feel as if I fall short more often than leap forward.

I'm thinking though that the main reason I'm up is that I watched the
3-day walk video with my hubby right before bed. I'm signing on as a team with my girlfriend Yvette and we're starting to pray for others to join us! While being fully aware that God is going to provide for every challenging aspect of the walk, I can't help but feel a little nervous about committing to collect this kind of money during the "economic downturn" (is that the nice thing to call it?) So, I guess I will use this blog as my first platform for fundraising.. Look out, because I'm probably going to be asking you to donate to it at some point. I'll have a website but also will accept checks made out to the Susan G. Koman foundation too.

Alright.. so I'm off to figure out why in the world I'm up! Like I said, there's normally a reason. I'm going to go ask for the answer!

Thursday, March 5, 2009

Out with the old!

So, I was just asked, "where have you been this week?" Truth be told, I haven't been out that much because I've been purging! I've spent my free time going through the 9 bins of my girls clothing in the garage as well as my closet. Over the years, I've lived quite a life of excess and even though I've enjoyed "spending with reckless abandonment" as my husband so fondly calls it, I have felt pretty heavy when it comes to the amount of posessions we have in our home.

This week, Craigs list became a good buddy. Out went way too many baby items that I have in the house along with oil paintings & a coffee table collecting dust. I've also got enough items on ebay to keep me busy the next month. Does a 3 year old really need Juicy sweat suits? Really? Is that really the message I want her to have on her back? Call it a diet of the economy or call it just growing up, but getting rid of these items feels really good. It feels awesome to make extra money to pay off an extra bill or have extra money to take the girls on that extra camping trip. I'm feeling like it was so silly to even own some of these things and am constantly reminded of "where your treasure is, your heart lies also" which I feel I need to be doing a better job of living. I'm now really aware that my girls are watching. They are constantly watching what is valuable to me and taking it all in. I want them to know what is truly valuable. Did I get rid of everything? Well, heck no, you never know when a stay at home mom is going to need to go to a black tie event that requires wearing of my last pair of Stuart Weitzmans. Baby steps.

Tuesday, March 3, 2009

The few things I do know...

You know, I don't claim to know alot, though I'd like to think I'm pretty perceptive. But,this is what I do know: Honesty IS always the best policy. Honesty creates integrity & that makes who you are. Being prideful is one of the most damaging things you can do to yourself. Respect in any form is earned, it can never be handed out for free. When those three things don't align themselves, life can go very wrong. The other thing I've learned is that if you don't use the bible as a compass for the path of your life, you can become so very lost. Sometimes so lost, that it's hard to find your way out even with a compass. Humans by nature are ugly- we don't always know right from wrong, good from bad and are easily decieved by what we think is correct. I'm going to keep praying..
The steps of the Godly are directed by the Lord, he delights in every detail of their lives..
Psalm 37:23

Tuesday, February 24, 2009

A public apology to Kristi

After looking at comments in my blog, I saw that an old friend had found me! Actually, she never lost me. I'm the one that lost her. She was the first friend that I made when I moved here to Corona. We met at our first Mom's Club event, the Love bug bash and we had daughters the same age. We worked together with the Teen MOPS ministry and actually when I had free time, I wanted to spend it with her and Maya.

Then one day, she tells me she's moving. I was devestated. Still.. I did not have alot of friends and at the time she was the only person I could call and say "Can I come over?" I put together an amazing going away party and then she was gone. I was so sad for quite some time. It took me a bit to make more close friendships (Anita & Kim) but still I missed her so very much. I was sad just thinking of her so I think I just tried to stop.

(I think I become much more attached to friends maybe than a lot of people, because I don't have much family. My close friends become my family. I used to cry & cry every time my best friend Ryann would leave to go back to College after visiting for the holidays (I think she still probably laughs at that). Anyhow, I treasure my friendships above most things in the world. )

Kristi and I haven't spoken in some time now and truth be told it is my fault. She always tries to stay in touch, call, email, send a package.. and I unfortunately have not been a good friend in return, always thinking, I'm going to contact her when I REALLY have time to sit down and do so.. you know, no interuptions.. Well, days have turned into weeks, into months, into years now probably. And it hurts my heart to know that I haven't been in touch with her. So, this is my public appology. If she reads this, I hope she accepts it. I hope she knows that I've never forgotten her & her kids. I pray for her & her family quite often.. hoping that whichever state she is living in now, that she's happy & healthy. I hope she knows how much she's always meant to me.

Monday, February 23, 2009

No whispering today!!

So lately, I've spent a lot of time waiting on unanswered prayers and being in the hopes that I would be silent enough to hear God's whispers. But today I got a few loud-and-clear messages and it's only 1pm.

I went to M2M this morning & Pastor Chuck was speaking on leaving a legacy for your kids. One of the really cool things revealed to me is that he touched on bringing your children into missions; showing them just how blessed they are & how it infulences them. That confirmed what I was already feeling. Last week we requested & received applications from Jill to attend the Mexico missions trip in Sept. So I guess that's that. Also, I had a conversation with my friend Carrie which also confirmed for me something else that I've had on my heart as far as serving the next year in M2M.W00-Hoo!

But the most loud & clear was during discussion when my new friend, Taleah mentioned about teaching her kids to respect her husband. After about 2 minutes of hearing this back and forth my stomach turned into a knot. Yesterday, Bill & I exchanged some words where at the time, I didn't think it was "that bad" that my kids heard, but now in hindsight, I'm writhing at the whole thought of it. I was pretty mad. I was pretty disrespectful. I'm pretty sure I called him a name like idiot. And my kids heard it. How are they going to grow up to respect him if I'm not showing him any respect myself? This pains me, especially as I think about how nice he was to meet me at church this morning to drop off some cash to me & check our kids into childcare for me, all on his way to volunteer at Bella's class none-the-less. I sat there thinking about how he changed his schedule around all last week so that I could go out with my visiting friend Kim, 3 nights in a row. I thought about our discussion to get back into leadership next year & the time commitments it would require of him and he was 110% supportive. I thought about the two loads of dishes he did for me yesterday. I thought about how when he's home on the weekend, he puts the girls to bed every night and how he keeps all 3 of them happy & busy while I go off & get all the shopping & errands done. All WITHOUT complaint or question.

We've had our ups and downs but I see how very hard he's been trying to be a Godly husband. It all was screaming at me this morning and I still feel sick from the revelation. It's so hard to face forward when there is a big finger pointed at you. I'm really working on letting go of things in the past and just seeing him for who he is. I only hope he forgives me and from this point, I can be mindful and the best example of teaching my girls respect.

Wednesday, February 18, 2009

Quit following me!

So, I have to admit, that there is an old me that I'm not too fond of but somehow in circles of new or old friends, it tends to rear it's ugly head around. So, I'll confess and lay it all out on the table. I've never been someone who was ever described as "oh, she's so nice", I was very clicky and didn't care too much about anyone other than my "circle", I was voted most likely to marry for money in HS pretty much because I was a bitch, I've been easy to walk away from friendships that are just too hard, My husband is the only man in my life who I've been faithful to or respected at all, and I've always struggled with materialism and still do.

Around 8 years ago, I made what you could call a "deal with God"... you give me or show this, this & this.. and I will become & do this, this, & this. Not at all ideal, certainly not how many relationships start... but it's how mine & the Lord's started. In some areas over the years I've grown & worked to be the person I am now. Not so much in other areas.. many parts of my life and the old me have been harder to let go of. But at least I can say, I know my faults, and boy do I try. Yet somehow in conversation, so much of this old me diggs up and the new me just becomes sick to think of things I've done, the way I lived my life, people I've burned, or the way I've behaved. Letting go of worldly things is one of my biggest vices. I sat very envious tonight of a girlfriends new Burberry bag. I actually stared at it at least for about 10 minutes throughout the night. I wish I could rewind two years back when we were still sitting pretty and in escrow for a 2.4 million dollar dream home. Again.. it's about letting go of worldly things.

I'm going to go to bed now.. going to pray for my family, pray for myself, and snuggle up to my husband all with a greatful heart.

Tuesday, February 17, 2009

Do you know the defintion of insanity?

By 9am, I had already thrown the towel in for the day and decided that I was not getting mother of the year award. This morning I dealt with normal mom stuff, trying to get two little girls clothes picked out, hair done, tummies filled in a hurry to get them to school this morning while holding on to my sick 9-mo. old. We got all the way to Fullerton Ave. in the pouring rain only to have to make a u-turn to come back & get Isabella's backpack she left at home. When we parked I realized that the umbrella was also at home. I felt my self becoming unglued when my 3 yr. old couldn't put on her coat. I got very upset when I had to turn around for a backpack. I was not patient. I was not kind. I was completely missing that I could have used frustrating situations as teachable moments. Instead of building them up, I was probably tearing them down. Usually when I've lost all patience, my five year old gets the brunt of it. Where I learned to expect so much of her, I don't know. I really do have to take a step back and remind myself that she is in fact, only five. I have to remember they are not checklists, but my sweet little children. After I dropped them off, I had a knot in my stomach, and prayed all the way home.

It was clear to me as it often is, "You are not a good mom if you don't first ask for God's hand". What I should have done at 5am this morning instead of checking my facebook was enjoy my coffee & spend time with the Lord. I should have asked for patience, for kindness, for tolerance, and for overflowing LOVE for my kids & husband. I forget to do this most mornings, only to go back to the Lord and ask "what went wrong? and fix this please!". The defintion of insanity is doing the same things over and over again but expecting different results. So by defintion, does that make me insane. What makes me think the day would be any different if I start each morning the same?

Friday, February 13, 2009

Goodbye Crappy week.. hello to the weekend!

This morning I went to Loretta's & met up with a couple other Mom2Mom gals to clean Loretta's house before she has a house full of people after tomorrow's services. I was so glad to get to hug her & see that outwardly she looked great. Cleaning her house was hard. Not her house, her home, looking at all the photos of a happy husband, wife, & beautiful little boys. You could see what a home and what a life they had made together. Just like any other home you could see the things that made them, them. Who they were together. How in one split second, everything has now changed. The word "Family" is now redefined for the Lamb family. I cried all the way home for her.

This tragidy seems to be one amongst many this week...Miss CeCe, my daughter's teacher, who over the years, I've become so very fond of, is probably as we speak waiting for her mother to pass as they've had to "unplug" her. Our family got the news of just how very serious his cancer is and soon have to deal with the fact that he may not be here much longer. My friend Traci, is loosing her father-in-law to cancer complications. Her daughter Kiana, was pulled out of class today to say her goodbyes Isabella said. When I got home today, I came home to an email that Paymaan, a close friend of ours got laid off (they have 3 little boys).

I've tried to avoid watching the news and seem to be praying all day long for friends, for health, for victory in our family. I work hard at trying not to lean on my own understanding, trust in the Lord with all my heart. But with such sadness going on around you, it can become overwhelming.

Monday, February 9, 2009

I want to trust the Lord on this one..

Last night I came home from a super fun dinner with our neighbor only to get the message that a friend's husband had passed away. It was sudden, it was unexpected, he was at home, and their children ages 4 & 6 were there. The very very worst part is that he wasn't a believer.

How devastating.. I've got some major questions for the Lord on this one. I know that the Lord sees the big picture and we just see a little bit of it, but like with all major tragedy's I wonder what good could ever come from this?

Loretta has been a friend since I moved to Corona five years ago. We met at my Moms Club before we even worked in the Mom2Mom ministry at Crossroads together. We weren't super close but I believe with all of my heart that if I called her and said, "Loretta, I need some groceries, I need you to watch my kids, and I need help with my laundry" that she would be here right away with a bag of groceries. You hear that phrase, "she is the hands & feet of Jesus.." That is truly her. So the fact that something so horrific could happen to someone who loves & serves the Lord so passionately literally blows your mind.

I didn't get a lot of sleep last night, we cried together at our mom2mom meeting this morning, and now that I'm home, I still have a bunch of nervous energy over what she is going through right now.

I just want my husband home. I want to hug him. I want to tell him how much I appreciate him. Most of all right now, I wish I could hug Loretta. I'm going to pray that the Lord brings her as much comfort as she always brings to others. I'm left thinking about this peice of scripture:

Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding. Prov 3:5

Friday, February 6, 2009


I think it's amazing how one sentence can spark anger and upset and how ultimately it can be turned into words that are not said and opinions viewed that weren't even there. I spent my night last night very upset and even more upset this morning at someone who is angry at me for feelings I don't even have. I can't beleive that even in your 30's this goes on between women still. I'm so very bothered by it because it's from a person, though maybe we are not "friends", I really did like her. But now, I'm afraid the damage has been done and whatever friendship we did have is probably gone. I'm going to just chalk it up as God has a way of weeding people out of your life who don't need to be there. Also I'm going to remind myself that I'm just too old to have people in my life who are more concerned about letting their feelings be voiced then to take account anyone elses feelings. I'm going to shake it off & not let it ruin my day. I'm going to wish her & her gorgous children the very best.

Thursday, January 15, 2009

Why be a Christian?

I was face-booking with a girlfriend about a former friend who I just cannot forgive. Writing the things I was thinking, I felt aweful that I could not drum up any forgiveness or understanding for this person. All I kept thinking & what my girlfriend was probably thinking.. was what an aweful Christian! Matthew 26:28 paints the best picture of what forgivness should be to a Christian and I'm widely aware of it. As my pastor said last weekend, being a christian doesn't mean you think you are perfect, if anything it makes you more aware of your imperfections.
But truth be told to my non-Christian friends (and you know who you are).. being a Christian is the hardest thing I've ever done. I have to admit; it's much easier to ignore than to dig in, it's much easier to yell at your kids & husband than grant them grace when they let you down, it's much easier to be a bit selfish than completely selfless, it's much easier to go with the flow as the world sees fit than choose the most unpopular of choices, what the bible says. My life was so much less complex 10 years ago when I was looking out for #1.
I ask for Grace & forgiveness every day from my Lord. I'm asking up or down, right or left, I'm asking for patience to the tenth degree. I'm asking for growth & knowledge every day. And most of all I'm saying thank you for this AMAZING life every day. I never imagined my life would be this great and more doors seem to open up every day. As far as forgiving those who need to be forgiven, they probably could care less that I don't forgive them.. right now I'm on a long list, and I'm the very least important on that list. I hope that this person finds the Lord and seeks forgiveness and change there first.

Wednesday, January 14, 2009

I want to run down the street ..

And not come back.. for at least a few hours... I'm finally sitting to what was the longest day. It started off normal overall. I enjoyed a great 9:30am breakfast w/ my girlfriends Jamie & Kathy but somehow I didn't make it home with the kiddos until 5pm tonight. Today, I made several trips to Crossroads, to the grocery store, several food places, listened to my insufferable children refuse their dinner yet another night, tried picking mounds of glitter off of scalps (thanks Anita), fit in a glass of wine with friends, helped my oldest with her Penguin report, AND again for the second day revived my middle daughter after holding her breath until she passed out (didn't actually think kids did that did you?)
I'm quite often made fun of for keeping my kids on a schedule the way I usually do. The day usually tends to be pretty structured, the girls expect the same thing every evening followed by an early bedtime. Today, we didn't follow it, and we all suffered. Point blank, if you don't run your kids on a schedule, you are a damn fool.. no wonder you are stressed and miserable (and you know who you are). I have full confidence that tomorrow, I will be the world's best mom and do everything right. Tonight however, I'm throwing in the towel & will have another glass of wine

Monday, January 5, 2009

Mommy, what are we going to do this year?

Mommy, what are we going to do this year?
Happy New Year! Well, I think it's 5 days into the new year, but that's me now... late on everything, which I hate. New Years day, my 3-yr old asked me, "Mommy, what are we doing this year?" (I think she meant day as she asks me EVERY morning!) my response was, "duh, lots of things honey". Truth be told, I have no idea what is in store for us this year.One year ago, we were expecting a new baby girl. Alyssa is now here. We were still trying to move to S. Corona and I personally was still hoping on getting our Versante Circle place (or at least our deposit back). We didn't get our house, or our money back (yet), but we moved into a beautiful home nevertheless. I was still coordinating with M2M @ Crossroads. We were expecting our income to go back to normal after a very rough 2007. It only got worse in 2008!
There are a million things that I am really praying about for 2009. Should I go back to school this year? Should I get back involved with the M2M ministry @ Crossroads? Will we get our deposit back on that devil house? Will this be the year that we have the means to open up our Little Gym franchise or will someone want to buy it? Will we have that 4th child that Bill is pressing for? Or should we look into adoption or fostering this year? Will Bill get another book deal & will he have the time to go back to school?I'll sit silently & listen to what direction God will point us to. I'll look forward to Isabella moving from Kindergarten to First grade at Crossroads. I'll enjoy Sophia just being a preschooler, and watch Alyssa take her first steps.