Wednesday, April 19, 2017

You don't need to say it.

You don't need to say it. 

I can see it in their eyes in the morning as they go off to school. 

Their eyes speak as many words as their mouths do. My kids think my life sucks.. 
And you know what? They are right. 

My oldest has said it to me before. She doesn’t want to have kids, it’s too hard, it’s too much responsibility. She’s heard my husband snap at me on the phone for not picking up when “he tried calling before” saying, “I don’t know how you do it, mom.”

Like every day, they see me cook, clean after everyone. When they are sick, who cleans all the throw up? Who unclogs the sink, dumps the laundry water, and cleans dog throw up from the front room floor?

They see me leave to the grocery store, cook meals, serve my husband, and squeeze in homework for my 12 units when I can every day. They know I barely sleep, because my face looks it.

They see me cancel my days to take them to the doctor or not go to work because it’s somone’s birthday, a minimum day, or I lost my childcare.

Every week, someone needs shoes, clothes, school supplies, someone’s charger or electronics is always not working, .. they need need need and they know mom doesn’t have much money. They know their biological dad doesn’t pay anything to help. They still ask, but they know they wouldn’t want to be me. 

I wanted so much more. I wanted more for me, more for them. The truth is, I want a better life for them. I don’t want them to be me and I just pray, that how it is now, won't always be. 

Saturday, October 29, 2016


I got to see the Thoms Family for the first time since my dad's funeral, 14 years and 4 days ago. I can't say that we've ever lost touch thanks to Facebook or that I ever knew them all that well prior to then. But when they left today, my heart ached. They brought a piece of home with them when they came by for lunch and when they left, it hurt. They are a piece of my past; my little desert city; of my dad. We talked little about him today, but the little we did say, was a good reminder that they knew a different man than I did. They were grown ups, I was a spoiled child when he died. They were good friends. I was a crappy selfish daughter. I wish I had a whole afternoon to sit down and talk with Tammy. There is so much I want to say and so much I want to ask her about. I wonder if she knew that I felt like an orphan the minute my dad died. I'm thinking about writing her a letter since I don't know when I'll see her again. I miss that city. I miss the people that I love so much, my old friends that I grew up with and left 18 years ago. I wonder if all of us "Ridgecrestians" feel this way from time-to-time. Good or bad, there's nothing like the small town you grew up in and the people that remain there that you love. Sometimes I feel like I just haven't been home in a long time, not like 14 years have passed. I feel like I could drive back down my old street, to my cute little house, walk in, and my dad would still be sitting in the recliner watching TV grumbling at me for not coming home for so long.

Sunday, June 12, 2016

Don't Blink. Time Flies.

My Bella,

Today is Sunday, June 12, 2016. You are almost done with 7th grade and I’m planning your 13th birthday in a few weeks. Had someone told me a year ago that today, you’d no longer be my baby girl, I never would have believed it! This time last year, you’d jump at the chance to leave and go shopping alone with me. You'd still hold my hand when we’d go out. You’d often come into my room and watch TV with me. Now, you want to stay home (alone), hang out in your room, and you always have earphones connecting you to your world. You have a new group of friends, listen to new music, and you have a new sense of self and a great love for who you are with no apologies.  You came out of the shell that held you in just a year ago but I miss you. I miss the little girl that you were. I miss your giggles and your awkwardly short jeans with your dirty Nikes. I miss your messy pony tail and your, "I love you mom’s” that you once gave to me so freely. Its been an amazing year of transformation but please be patient with mom as sometimes it’s really hard to let go of the little girl I once had.

Thursday, January 28, 2016

Surrounded by people but still alone..

I've joyfully found a part time job!! I've tried finding help the past two weeks for someone, anyone to help me once and awhile on Wednesdays. I need a place for Sophia & Alyssa to hang out for just 90 minutes. I couldn't find any child care (less than $40 anyway) so I've been asking around, hoping someone would step up for me the way I always try for everyone else. One mom I did ask, who I would call a friend, declined because Wednsdays were too busy, even to help once and awhile. Yesterday (Wednsday) the girls and I stopped into Ralphs after school and saw this particular mom. She had another one of our daughter's mutual friends with her. Was it just my girls she didn't want? I'm sure she cringed when she saw me. It hurt.

I've been here just a few months short of 3 years. I still don't have an established group of friends or even one close friend. There's no one I can call to meet for coffee or even call and talk to. Joe & Charlene just moved to Oceanside and I feel like that's effecting me more than I wish it were.

I realized when I left my whole life to start a new one, that my friendships would be left behind and I miss those very much. I'm so glad to be able to see them on Facebook and send the occasional text back and forth. I'm with my children every single day, my husband comes home to me every night, he's only home with us, never out, which I'm grateful for.  But I am still so lonely, some days I can barely stand it.

Sunday, January 10, 2016

Serve until you can't serve no more.

I’ve been learning a lot about a Christian’s definition of love and utilizing it much in my marriage lately. I read that real love is not meant for happiness, it’s not a feeling. It's an action. Real love is service. But the more I process things, I find that this definition stands more true in parenting than even in marriage. Being a parent can be beautiful but let’s face it, it’s all about service. Service when your exhausted and under thanked. Service when you haven’t slept or have a to-do list that will never all be accomplished. It is service 365 days a year.

A few days ago, I had this week planned out. Sophia & Alyssa were going to spend the last week of their break at their father’s house. I was going to get to skip making 3 meals a day and save money on groceries. I planned dentist appointments, doctor’s appointments, and even an appointment at my school while they were going to be gone. Last minute, their dad decided not to take them. I’m not going to lie. I was looking forward to the rest, to no fighting or arguing. But as always, I’m happy they are home where they belong. But because they are here, I needed to go grocery shopping today before we started the week. As always, Ardel is at work, so that means dragging all 4 to the grocery store (and if you are a mom, you know how one feels about 4 kids in a grocery store). When the time was nearing to go, instead of , “Ok mom”, all I heard was whining, pushback, reasons why they should be able to stay. I lost it. 

Do they think I REALLY want to go to the grocery store? Did they think I was asking them to spend their money on groceries? Maybe they thought with the groceries we were buying, that THEY needed to cook 3 square meals a day for everyone AND clean the dishes and the kitchen afterwards. No, they didn’t misunderstand. They simply just didn’t want to go to the grocery store and were going to make sure that I knew it.  I blew my lid and told everyone we would not go to the store, nor would I be making dinner tonight (which I don't think I've ever done). They are now free to have all the peanut butter and ham sandwiches their little hands can make. I did already make them breakfast and a nice lunch, oh, and some homemade muffins for an afternoon snack, not that they even noticed. 

As my girls grow older and more selfish, they exhaust me more than my one-year old.  I am tired but I am a full-time parent. I’m not some side parent that has my kids into my home every few weeks and sends them on their way so I can get back to my responsibility-free lifestyle. I wouldn’t want to be that person for one minute. But I do hope that someday when my daughters grow up, they are able to see how much they were loved by me and their stepdad because they are able to see our acts of service.  

I wonder if any other moms feel this way?

Monday, October 5, 2015

An open ended letter to my Friend,

To my dear friend who just told me she’s leaving her Husband,

I wish I could tell you not to go, that you are in it for life; good or bad, richer or poorer, death do you part. I wish I could say those things. The truth is, I don’t know what battles you’ve been facing. I don’t know what goes on behind the walls in your home. Do your kids go to bed crying at night because you are fighting? Does he not pay the bills or come home at night?

I wish I could tell you that I firmly believe you should stay no matter what, except, I  don’t. Truthfully, I was in a very bad marriage and no one really knew how bad until it was done, even I didn’t realize the spectrum of my misery or how dysfunctional it was until I had complete separation from it.

Had I stayed in that marriage, I truly wouldn’t know how a husband should act. (Did you know husbands are supposed to come home at a decent hour every night?)  I wouldn’t know what a happy home was or what a true marriage is, and most importantly, neither would my children. Like most, my marriage is not perfect. My husband is not perfect. We have marital problems like anyone else. However, our issues are manageable, honest, and real. I am content in good and bad. I can say that this is the man I’ve chosen, flaws and all, and is perfect for my daughters and I. He was meant to be a father and a husband. I understand how to let him lead, submit as God asks and just have faith in this beautiful life.

I think that divorce is sad and that the sin of divorce causes both man and wife to suffer and the kids suffer throughout the transition. I am in no way condoning or recommending you leave your husband, but I do understand.  Broken homes hurt and it pains God. But with that, broken homes also leave room for repair and growth into something beautiful and thriving. The way that life my life has intricately been woven together in the past few years, I cannot help but feel that it’s all been carefully planned for me. I have no regrets only a heart of gratefulness, eyes that truly appreciate, and the wish that every woman would get her happily ever after.

Friday, December 31, 2010

So ready for a New Year!

A year ago today, I had been married 7 years and One day. I was a stay at home mom, living comfortably in our beautiful 4,000 sq. ft. home on the hill with a view of the city. I was driving my kids to a private school that we loved, in my big Suburban, having coffee & playdates with girlfriends several times a week, and surely taking for granted all the precious days that I got to spend with my children at home. I cried almost every time I was alone and was almost 30 pounds heavier...
... 365 days later...My marriage is over. My home is gone. A new school for the kids. A new more economical car. My life as a stay at home mom- over permantntly. My last Grandma has passed away on Christmas. My only Aunt so so sick with dementia that she has no idea as to who I am. I have a life that I NEVER would have beleived you if you told me about it a year ago, and yet, somehow, I feel oddly blessed.

I learned more about life, human nature, and thankfulness this past year than I've experienced in all my other years combined. I learned how much the human spirit is able to tolerate before it hits a breaking point. I've relied on my mom and my friends in ways I never thought I'd need to. I've seen just how kind AND cruel someone can be.

In 2011, I really hope I make the most of my Quality time spent with my girls and not focus on the Quanity that I no longer have. I want to pour more into my friendships that have stood beside me so steadfast this past year. I'm going to be thankful for a great man who came into my life (eventhough most of my friends just don't get it- but that's ok). I'm going to work on my relationship with the Lord and work on rebuilding the trust issues I have in Him then I'm going to sit back and wait on his promises for my girls and I while I figure out just where my place in this world exactly is. Hope everyone has big plans for 2011!